Panhell to Revamp Women's Rush Based on Hair Shininess

The Panhellenic Council announced today that it will begin reworking the sorority rush process with results effective winter term 2010. After a record number of ’12 girls dropped out of the rush process this year when they were not invited back to the only house they were considering, according to Panhell president Hilary Banks ’10, they went to work immediately to try to find a way to make the process even more arbitrary. “At first we considered doing it alphabetically, but we decided that it was better to pick and choose girls in a way that was both arbitrary and personal. That’s when we decided on hair shininess. It isn’t technically racist or classist, but the way you look still matters. We were just like, ‘Bingo!’”


In the past, sorority deliberations have taken into account such other important determining factors as promptness in showing up to athletic practice, basic demeanor towards Collis workers, and whether or not rushees got their cute shoes at the same place a current sister happened to get the same pair of cute shoes. Sometimes, personality was even considered, but only the most basic facets of personality that could be determined within two minutes of talking to a person. “We are careful never to take into account any substantive aspect of a person,” asserts a sorority rush chair who chose not to be named because she is in the middle of corporate recruiting right now, “but things like what your favorite YouTube video is, or which of the seven deadly sins you would be if you could choose—those are all fair game. It’s refreshing to know Panhell is finally instituting a concrete standard to go by. Sometimes I felt like the arbitrary factors I was considering were in turn arbitrarily prioritized by my sisters. They wanted to know what mattered more: how much she smiled during our embarrassing rendition of a Britney Spears song, or how smart she seemed that one time in class. It’s hard to tell. Hair shininess is a definite factor that is still arbitrary, but easy to pinpoint.”

Some critics wonder if this new standard does not give an unfair advantage to wealthy people, or those with a lot of protein in their diet. Banks is quick to address this claim, stating, “People who can’t afford shiny hair drop out after the first round anyway. That’s why we tell them how much dues are during Round 1. And anyway, girls with duller hair can still be in sororities. They just can’t be in the one they want to be in. We also give a larger barbecue funding to sororities with duller hair, to up the steak intake and even the playing field.”
Despite the controversy over the new decision, Panhell feels confident moving forward with this new strategy. And there is at least one organization on campus that benefits: Topside has sold out of every brand of shampoo as winter rush approaches. Said one Topside worker, “It’s basic sabotage, but it means profits for us. High five!”*

*Note: I did not high-five him back due to professional journalistic standards of non-bias; plus high fives are lame.