East Wheelock Now Only Accepting Applications from Virgins

In a landmark decision announced late last night, members of the incoming class of 2014 will only be allowed to apply to live in East Wheelock if their virginity is still intact. The decision comes after much long debate about how and where to establish ORL’s newly implemented policy to provide “virgin-only” housing to those in need of a safe space in which to not express their sexuality. Director of ORL Julie Andrews hailed the development, stating, “As each application season comes and goes the average SAT score jumps up by about 30 points, and we see more and more requests for virgin-only housing. We’ve also seen a growing demand for housing with convenient Segue parking, silent-only housing, trilingual-only housing—even Weird Al-only housing. I don’t even know what that is! But it’s important that these kids know which dorm cluster suits them.”

The typical response to any housing request deemed to be socially awkward has always been to assign them to East Wheelock. The cluster is known for its extreme selectivity (reflected by its intensive application process) and is popular among virgins and other people whose ideal freshman year experience includes forming close friendships with professors and having no social interactions on campus. It has not been explicitly reserved for virgins until now, however. But that does not mean the demand isn’t there. In fact, according to future ’14 Alice Potter, who hopes to join the ranks of EW freshmen next fall, “Most of the people I’ve met online in the ’14 group who contributed to the discussion topic called ‘Virgins at Dartmouth’ are all so excited about living there as well. I can’t wait to live on a floor where people don’t care so much about things like physical pleasure. I didn’t come to college to enjoy myself! Plus I hear if you get drunk no one hits on you anyway for fear of legal action, so my plan is to pretend I’m drunk if a boy ever looks at me or brushes my arm in class. I can’t imagine living one thin wall away from sex actually happening. I mean, what is this, an academic institution or a bordello?” Potter did acknowledge, however, that senior prom may or may not be a game-changer in her housing decision.

’13 Eddy Landers, who is moving out of East Wheelock next term, offers a different perspective: “I mean, at first it was cool and all. The people on my floor were nice…it’s just not the place for me. I don’t have anything against them or anything…” When asked to elaborate, Landers admitted, “I’ve just had sex now, okay? I got it wet. I’m over it.” Landers reports some people on his floor who “just didn’t know what they were getting themselves into.” This new housing practice will prevent any future incidents in which students accidentally ended up in East Wheelock because “they forgot it wasn’t high school anymore and you don’t have to act like a tool and make friends with professors,” Landers warns. Any future incidents of freshmen forgetting they are no longer in high school, such as drinking Mike’s Hard Lemonade, arguing with a professor over one point on an exam, or wearing matching t-shirts with their best friends may result in a similar housing punishment. As of now, however, ORL has high hopes that their new approach will be successful. Says Andrews, who has a penchant for yelling everything she says, “We might even use the condom budget to put a World of Warcraft center in the lobby!”