Theta Delt ‘11 Sent to Hospital with Diabetes

Richard Crosby ’11, a brother at Theta Delta Chi fraternity, was sent to the hospital early Wednesday morning with a newly diagnosed case of Type 2 Diabetes. Doctors at Dartmouth-Hitchcock Medical Center say that, while thorough diagnostics have not been run, the primary cause of the diabetes is mostly like “egregious sweetness.”
Administrators and Dick’s House officials are taking active measures to educate students about the dangers of egregious sweetness. While being on a varsity sport, especially lacrosse, or being affiliated with a Greek organization are preliminary signs of egregious sweetness, there are several other signs that should not be taken lightly.
Dr. Jack Turco, Director of Health Services, said that warning signs of egregious sweetness include: “addiction to ‘Skoal’ or other chewing tobaccos, quitting varsity sports, sexual intercourse with multiple partners, and a state of general apathy,” which can be described more specifically as “not caring.”

Jack Armstrong ’11, a fraternity brother and former teammate of Crosby’s, said that the warning signs of egregious sweetness started early in freshman year.
“At first he was just dipping occasionally and going out a lot and hooking up with girls, but then, when he quit the [lacrosse] team, things just really went downhill.”
Armstrong described Crosby’s new list of goals after quitting the team, including “a threesome” and “spending at least sixteen hours a day in Theta Delt.”
Alex Jordan ’10, president of Theta Delt, could not be reached for comment by press time.
The fraternity did, however, issue a formal statement via Dartmouth Daily Updates.
“Theta Delt was deeply saddened to hear of Richard’s illness and wishes him a speedy recovery. While we do understand that some of the cause of his illness is our fault, we take issue with some of the claims made against us. No matter what, Crosbro, we hope you feel better and come back to us soon. Boomer barks his hello.”
Some on campus have accused Theta Delt of being the direct cause of Crosby’s physical decline.
One critic, who wished to remain anonymous, said, “It’s obvious that [Theta Delt] is doing everything they can to make their brothers as sweet as possible. It’s outrageous that the College has not checked the water in that house for unhealthy levels of sugar yet.”
At the fraternity’s annual “TDXmas” party, Crosby showed signs that he was undeniably egregiously sweet.
Armstrong said, “It just feels so terrible, looking back at pictures of him on Facebook from TDXmas, and knowing that we could have stopped it. He was double-fisting with a huge lip in, and made out with at least three different girls. We should’ve known. We should’ve said something.”