'13 "Knows Brothers"

On Webster Avenue at 10:23 PM Saturday, Derek Taylor ’13 alerted a group of five freshmen, “I got this. I know some brothers. We can definitely get on table. Let me just make a few calls.” Locals refer to this planning time as the “freshmen fifteen”.

Taylor stepped aside from the group, called his trip leader (no response), texted this “dude" his mom told him to meet (no response), and then called some friend from home (answered) to save face.

“Yeah man, yeah that’s sick, cool dude, alright I’ll talk to you soon.”

Taylor returned with a huge grin and announced, “Alright Sig Ep’s having a closed party right now. Brothers only. My boy’s real pissed and says he’ll hook us up next week. I just got a text from my man at the Gamma though and he said I’m doubles on Varsity. Who’s ready to sink cups?”

The freshmen grouping, commonly referred to as a “schmob” or “fucking ‘13s”, moved over to Chi Gamma Epsilon where Taylor surveyed the basement, got hit with a throw save while trying to ask line (fives), and then retreated to the flip cup table.

He yelled to his friends, “Yo we’re still doubles but they might be having a series. You know how it is. Who wants to boat race?”

According to sources in the basement, Taylor “barely” got enough beers for the race, spilled half his cup on his shirt, and ended up booting on the girl next to him “multiple times”.

“Who the fuck is this kid?” said Danny Martinez, a Chi Gam ’10. “He came in here last week with his own paddle, patted me on the back a bunch of times, and asked me if he could put his IPod on. Now he’s booting all over the place. Ding. Ding. Ding.”

Roger Talbot ’13, a floor-mate of Derek Taylor on Bissell 2, muttered, “Derek does this every fucking time. Piece of shit probably has never even played pong. Or seen a girl naked.”

At press time, Derek had “thirds” and was shot-gunning beers outside alone.