Student Vows to Create Bubble over Green; Development Office Interested

Walking across the Green one cold December night, Paul Yokels ’12 thought to himself, “One day, when I’m a rich alum[nus], I’m going to donate a bubble to go over the Green that’ll be heated so students don’t have to walk through the f***ing cold every night. And then everybody’ll thank me because I solved all of Dartmouth’s problems.” When he returned to his room, Yokels wrote an e-mail to a friend of his stating his intentions and stressing the cold. The Alumni Office and the Development Office received an alert about the e-mail, the first e-mail regarding a donation that they have received in months. Needless to say, they’re taking the proposition very seriously.
“We took over the BlitzMail tracking system from [Safety and Security] a few months ago. I guess they had gotten tired of trying to track all the different characters that [Bones Gate] could use to spell out the names of their drinks and all the different ways people might describe smoking [marijuana] in their rooms. So they gave it to us,” said one source from the Alumni Office who wished to remain anonymous. 
“We have the words ‘donate’ and ‘legacy’ and ‘alum’ tagged as triggers, but normally we just hear about ‘annoying alums’ and ‘undeserving legacies’, but then we got wind of Yokels’s intentions. This could be big. This donation could be what the College needs to project an image of being above budget cuts.”
After the Development Office contacted Yokels, he started outlining blueprints for what he would like to see in the “YokelDome”, which is the current working title.
“I mean, Taco Bell is a no-brainer. How many times have you walked across the Green and craved a burrito? About as many times as you’ve thought it was cold, right? The dome is no good without a Taco Bell,” said Yokels. “And, duh, we’ll put some sort of bed with disposable sheets and lots of hand sanitizer in the middle of the Dome. I understand how important it is that students still be able to finish the Dartmouth Seven… It’s not like I’m trying to cockblock anybody. We’ll even put it in a little room so whoever’s getting busy in there can have some privacy, even though that’s totally against the point of the Dartmouth Seven.”
The estimated cost of the project is $10 million, a price that Yokels feels confident he will be able to pay in the future.
“OK, so it’s not like I have ten million bucks lying around right now, but that doesn’t mean I won’t someday. I took Econ[omics] 2, so I know how these things work. The economy is like a yo-yo, but inflation never stops. So in a few years, after the guy who’s holding the yo-yo has finished doing his “Walk the Dog”, then it’s going to snap up real fast and with inflation going the way it is, ten million bucks is going to be like a hundred bucks before you know it.”
The Dunyun recently uncovered a copy of Yokels’s unofficial transcript, only to find that his grade for Econ 2 was listed as “NR”.
Although the issue has not yet been discussed in an official forum, Hanover residents are already opposing the construction. To this, Yokels had to say, “These people clearly do not have an appreciation for what the indoor stadium did for professional sports. That’s what I’m trying to do for Dartmouth.”