Programming Board Almost Gets Akon for Winter Carnival

In a blitz late Friday night, Todd Tesker ’10, Chairman of Programming Board, announced to members, “This year’s Winter Carnival performer was very close, maybe one or two e-mails away from being Akon. But, it’s okay, my boy from high school, DJ Jizzy Jizz, is going to throw down for us instead. He won my high school talent show, crushed my little brother’s Bar Mitzvah, and just sent in his record to Kanye West’s label. Fucking Kanye West. Common Ground is going to be packed. Get souped.”

The announcement went ignored for 3-4 hours until Michelle Tang ’13, a first-year member, replied all, “I’m kind of excited and will definitely go if this brother I know can’t get me on table. That’s sick though that we almost got Akon.”

Tesker’s Akon strategies involved buying all the artist’s CDs, creating a Facebook group, “Bring Akon to Dartmouth” (over 300 members), and leaving numerous comments on Akon’s YouTube videos like “OMG this song is BEAUTIFUL! Winter Carnival ’10. Get there!”

He later giddily admitted, “My freshmen year, we almost got Fountains of Wayne, but this was even bigger and even closer.”

In recent years, Programming Board has tempted greatness, as Green Key ’09 practically featured John Mayer, Winter Carnival ’09 just about starred Britney, and Kanye quite nearly headlined Homecoming ’08. Natalie Jacobs ’11, junior secretary of Programming Board, commented, “I am forgetting who almost starred at Homecoming ’09, but it was probably like Weezy or something. I remember a time when we didn’t even come close to getting these big acts. Now we’re just about there.”

When pressed on who actually performed at Homecoming ’09, Jacobs responded, “Oh jeez. I’m really not sure. Wasn’t it like Jeremih’s younger sister? Jessicih? I didn’t go. Sorry.”

Michael Jacobs ’10, a high school classmate of Tesker, described this year’s performer DJ Jizzy Jizz as, “Not terrible. I actually didn’t vote for him in the talent show though. This football player who pretended to play the piano with his nuts was fucking hilarious.”

Tickets go on sale at Collis this Monday.