President Kim Falls Ill; Anonymous Tip Points to Kryptonite in Sphinx

While on a jog around campus on Friday afternoon, President Jim Yong Kim fainted while passing in front of Alumni Gym. When he was discovered lying on the ground, he was immediately rushed to Dartmouth-Hitchcock Medical Center, where he has been recovering since.
President Kim, who has been experiencing intermittent physical illnesses since he arrived in Hanover, hopes to come to some conclusion on the cause of his ailments with the help of doctors at DHMC. While he remains in the hospital, Interim Provost Carol Folt and Vice President Steve Kadish will assume the duties of President.
An anonymous tip, sent to Hanover Police, indicated that there is a large supply of Kryptonite being stored in the Sphinx tomb. Hanover Police is currently in the process of obtaining a warrant to search the premises, a move that the Sphinx is opposing.

While no current Sphinx members could be reached for comment, John Jacobson ’80, Sphinx’s alumni adviser, said that the organization plans to “oppose this gross invasion of privacy” and “keep the police out.” While he assured The Dunyun that Sphinx wishes President Kim a speedy recovery, he assures the readers that the Sphinx has no part in it. “Besides,” he said, “if we let the cops in to search everywhere, then they’d know what’s inside the Sphinx. What if they put the pictures up on Facebook? All our enigma would be gone.”
Kryptonite, while never technically a Controlled Substance, has always had a certain stigma attached to it. Kryptonite enthusiasts such as Lex Luthor promote the spread of Kryptonite for its “aesthetic and traditional” value, and its ability to “level the playing field.” Since the mineral, which originates from the planet Krypton, does not affect humans, it cannot legally be considered a weapon in New Hampshire.
President Kim, according to Wikipedia, first encountered Kryptonite while playing basketball in high school in Muscatine, Iowa. Fans of the opposing team would bring Kryptonite to the game, causing Kim to experience “fatigue and a lack of accurate prescience.”
A search for Kryptonite in other areas of the Dartmouth campus has been undertaken by Safety and Security.
The Dunyun will continue to report on the case as more news develops.