New Research Reveals Breakthrough Discovery that No Means No

In a groundbreaking Surveymonkey study to be published in the Dartmouth Journal of Science next week, graduate student Eleanor Darnell ’10 has discovered the elusive underlying meaning of the word “No” to, in fact, be “no.” This finding, based on intensive analysis of over 1600 responses to a campus-wide blitz including a link to her Surveymonkey survey, has rocked the campus community and is poised to have great impact on the scientific world at large. Student response to the discovery has been effusive yet varied. Several fraternities on campus intend to host a forum (co-sponsored by Mentors Against Violence) addressing the implications of the results of the survey, and claims of skewed results in addition to protests on the Green against this “egregious display of cockblocking” have already begun.

Adam Schechter ’12, a recent pledge of Psi Upsilon fraternity, agreed to be interviewed by the Dunyun on the condition that he not be identified by name or fraternity. When asked what he thought of this new development, Schechter offered, “On the one hand, this really sets some limitations on my usual Wednesday nights. But on the other hand, I’m glad that someone has finally cleared this issue up for me. I can’t tell you how frustrating the ambiguity of the word ‘No’ has always been for me. It could mean anything from ‘Get me another beer and I’ll think about it’ to ‘Yes but I don’t want to seem like a [promiscuous woman]’ to ‘I think your [penis] is small,’ to ‘Maybe if you had higher ceilings in this midget coffin you call a basement’…it’s like, you just never know. I’m glad we now have a distinct dichotomy between an affirmative answer and a negative answer, because we really needed that.”

Daniel Mayfield, captain of both the lacrosse and hockey teams who was named “Hottest ’10 on campus” on both JuicyCampus and Bored at Baker, echoed Schechter’s sentiment: “To be honest, I’ve never heard the word before. So it was nice to learn something about it. Not that it really applies to me, but this way I can, like, educate my brothers about it or something. I know most of my friends think if she’s got the goods out, she wants it. But maybe she doesn’t have a lot of other clean clothes left. Who knows? I’ve always wished girls could say something to indicate whether or not they want it, besides just ‘Hey Daniel,’ which always means yes. And now they can. I think it’s great.”

Others shared stronger opinions with our reporters. Max Gates ’11 complained, “Who can say what the real meaning of a word is? Language is just a human construct. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not like a rapist or anything. I’m just a defender of language. And everybody knows that she always says no at first. Come on! Google it. This Eleanor girl is encouraging all Dartmouth men to be quitters, and that’s a negative attitude.”

When asked her opinion on the controversial findings, Beth Wrighter ’10, president of MAV, presented another view: “We have been striving to prove this definition of the word ‘No’ for years, but we never had concrete evidence to point to. This Surveymonkey has done a great justice for women not just on the Dartmouth campus, but in all English-speaking countries. We now have a solid way to fight against unwanted sexual advances, when before there was nothing we could say or do to indicate our preferences. We expect the number of sexual assaults to drop drastically after these results are published. This is truly a great day for women!”

When news of the survey results first broke, Bones Gate fraternity immediately canceled Cutter forever.