Student Picked Up By S & S, Claims “I Have Been So Much Drunker”

On Saturday morning at 3:14 A.M., Henry Williker IV ‘XII was found by Safety and Security officers facedown on the green in front of Baker tower. Upon questioning, Williker first mumbled his girlfriend’s and then his mother’s names while sucking his thumb, until he at last became somewhat coherent and told the officers he had been leaving the 1902 room after a particularly vigorous round of studying when he fell and tripped outside. The officers attempted to administer a breathalyzer test on Williker, but he repeatedly refused, saying, “I have whiskey-flavored breath. It’s genetic,” and emphatically and frequently reminding the officers “I know my rights.” Hanover police were called to the scene, at which point they found an empty bottle of Jack Daniels on his person. In response, Williker said, “I have been so much drunker than this. I know my rights.”

According to Officer Al Reedy of the Hanover police, this situation was unique. “As far as I know, we’ve never been confronted with someone who has clearly been so much drunker than this before. It almost seems unfair to arrest someone who isn’t doing anything wrong except being less drunk than usual. Also, he knew his rights, which made any wrongdoing totally excusable.” S & S Officer Mark Dobbs concurred: “I, for one, know that I have been so much drunker than that and not gotten arrested, so I find his story to be pretty convincing. He probably has been so much drunker. He was just in the wrong place at the wrong time with an empty bottle of Jack. Boy howdy, have I been there! Just ask my ex-wife.” When reached for comment, his ex-wife confirmed, “Mark is an alcoholic.” She added, “He ruined our son’s christening.”

Dobbs wanted to transport Williker to Dick’s House per the established procedure of disciplinary action, but Williker was able to convince the officers to allow him to go on his way. “What really clenched it,” Reedy reports, “is that right when I was ready to hand him back over to the S&S officers, he looked me straight in the eye and said ‘All I want is an Ivy League education.’ Well, that right there under the law is the magic phrase that gets you out of trouble. We just couldn’t hold him after all of the evidence that not only has he been so much drunker and he knows his rights, but all he really wanted was an Ivy League education. By golly, if that’s so wrong I don’t wanna be right.” When asked what he was planning to do with the rest of his life now that he has successfully implemented the “so much drunker” defense, Williker volunteered that he hopes to graduate in five to six years and go on to an illustrious career in investment banking. He added, “Wait, does that exist anymore? I meant…hedge funds or something. Or politics,” until finally settling on “owning the Batmobile. My dad knows a guy.”