Tom Dent '41 Dies at 90; Still Cares About Trivial Disagreement in College

Celebrated Dartmouth alumnus Tom Dent ’41 passed away early Monday morning at the age of 90. In the wake of his death, his loved ones and we as a community cherish the memory of a courageous man who was never afraid to tackle issues of minor inconvenience, no matter how temporary and ultimately meaningless they might be. Despite the many important events of his life, including witnessing the bombing of Dresden as a soldier during WWII and once going over Niagara Falls in a wooden barrel, he never forgot about one trivial injustice that once befell him at age twenty-one.

"Emory Hires Ring of Korean Spies in Attempt to Crack U.S. News Top 10"

In the wake of a year in which Emory fell to twentieth in the U.S. News & World Report college rankings, Emory president James Wagner decided to take a new approach to “playing the ratings game.”

Instead of toying with students to faculty ratios or sending out more mailings to high school juniors, he decided the best approach was to take an in depth look at college in the top ten to see what Emory was doing wrong. He decided to do this in the most inconspicuous way possible, sending a ring of Korean spies posing as a “documentary” crew to report on Dartmouth.

Professor Uses T-Shirt Cannon to Encourage Attendance in Large Classes

For years, Dartmouth professors have faced the dilemma of getting students to actually come to class. With lectures posted online and participation grades that are largely composed of whether you went to office hours that one time, students often have little motivation to roll out of bed for that 9, 10 or 2A. However, Bio 11 professor Harrison Frazier recently instituted a policy capable of motivating students in a way that $40,000 in tuition never could. 

Frazier developed his revolutionary idea while at a minor league baseball game over the summer, “I initially thought we could have dollar beer day but then I realized freshmen would never pay for beer at Dartmouth, especially a dollar. Then it hit me: T-Shirt Cannon.”

President Kim Drunk Blitzes Entire Campus; Feels Shame

Dartmouth College president Jim Kim woke up Sunday morning with a terrible headache and a Blitzmail inbox full of responses with the subject line “Re: Thank You.” Kim immediately knew he had made a terrible mistake. Following the football team’s thrilling and once-in-a-lifetime victory against football powerhouse Sacred Heart, Kim could no longer contain his excitement, raging harder than an alum during senior week. In a state of deep inebriation and struck by sudden sentimental drunk appreciation for a school where alcohol flows so freely, Kim abused his ability to send a campus-wide blitz within a matter of seconds by sending the following blitz:

Freshman Refuses To Stop Participating In Class

Jessica Del Monico was the valedictorian of Winchester High School, an AP scholar with distinction who created 9 soup kitchens. She applied to Dartmouth College with a moving essay about growing up Southern Italian in a predominantly Northern Italian Greenwich neighborhood and gained admission.

She had sat-in on a few classes over Dimensions and told Dunyun reporters, "Not gonna lie, they weren't that hard. I had read a few books on the subjects and it was pretty easy to comment. It's too bad I'm missing the midterm tomorrow."

Now Del Monico's a full-on student in her freshmen fall and The Dunyun shadowed her first few days of classes.

She attended every class, sat in the front row each time and according to Dunyun insiders, raised her hand 4-5 times each class.

David Deal '11 noted, "Yeah this freakin' freshmen girl will not shut up in my Psych class. How could you have so many questions about the syllabus? You just read it."

‘11s Too Tired to Make Snide Remarks about Croo Hair

The Class of 2011 is just, well… tired. We’ve been here for three years, seeing all the issues, having all the conversations. And, you know, like, we’ve seen it all. And heard it all. And some of it we just don’t want to do again. So we just can’t have the same conversation about Croo hair again. It’s even more tired than we are.

Every fall, a group of facetimey individuals returns to campus rocking tie-dyed hair. And every fall, other students feel the need to make snide remarks about how obnoxious it is to have hair like that, and yeah, we get it, you were on a Croo, and no, that isn’t a hint of jealousy in my voice. But now, man, we’re just too tired to rip on Croo people more.

Choice of Smoothie over Diet Coke Cements Healthy Collis Meal

As her yearlong quest to gain a bid to a top sorority draws to a close, Kelly Gambles ’13 thought it would be a good idea to “slim down a little” so that she could once again “fit into those three perfect dresses for rush,” which she picked out last December.

Gambles took a huge step towards achieving this goal while eating lunch at Collis Café when she decided to skip over her customary Diet Coke and instead opted for a much healthier option, a smoothie. Gambles explained her reasoning, “I’ve really been taking extra steps to be healthier. I get a smoothie with every meal now. They’re mostly fruit so you know they’re healthy. I also get half egg whites in my omelet, substitute brown rice on my stir fry and cut out the alfredo sauce on my pasta, that stuff goes straight to your hips. Yesterday I even skipped the pasta during lunch. I think my average Collis meal is around 400 calories.” 

'13 Hires Personal Pledge Trainer to Prepare Him for Grueling Term

    Hank Hendrickson '13 was getting tired of his summer internship, and his focus was quickly shifting to the approaching fall term--the term he plans to pledge one of the fabled Greek houses of Dartmouth. Mr. Hendrickson saw the pledges his freshman fall, wearing silly hats and acting in strange ways, and he yearned to be a part of the process.  What he didn't know, however, was how he was going to handle all the brutal hazing.
  So Hank decided to take the bull by the balls and begin his pledge term early.  He hoped that his experience would put him at an advnatage in the process--his esophagus, and other schpincter muscles, would be prepared.

The Dunyun 102

102 Things to Do before you Graduate

1) Boot.

2) Break up with your boy/girlfriend from home now and save yourself some time.

3) Share personal information with random people in your building during orientation; never speak to them again.

4) Heckle aggressively at a sporting event not conducive to heckling.

5) Argue with a DDS employee about the definition of "stealing."

6) Touch the fire...and by that we mean hook up with a ginger.

7) Leave your 10A to boot in the bathroom.

8) Stacks.

9) Listen to Filligar.

10) Sit in a chemistry exam. Midway through, tear up your exam and run out yelling "Fuck it, I don't want to be a doctor."

11) Goodsam that trippee who pretends they don't recognize you.

12) Get hit with a frisbee while walking through Collis.

13) Apologize for partying.

14) Make fun of someone for being on Dimensions or a Croo.

15) Hook up with a mistake.

16) Be somebody else's mistake.

17) Spend hours picking your classes freshmen fall. End up taking Econ 1, Psych 1 and Writing 5.

18) Buy condoms from a vending machine.

19) Spike the tea at Sanborn.

20) Donate blood instead of pregaming.

21) Take the Baker-Berry bathroom tour.

22) Join an a capella group (just kidding).

23) Send a blitz that ignites a campus-wide controversy.

24) Smoke a joint with the Robert Frost statue.

25) Invent fake reasons to apply for interim housing, like "The Brovertones."

26) Get a boner dancing the Salty Dog Rag. Tuck it.

27) Watch longingly with an arm outstretched while watching the 4 brothers behind the bar chug beers.

28) Talk about how much you hate Theta Delt.

29) Go there anyways.

30) Get Collis Ray to be the godfather of your kids.

31) BEMA.

32) Subscribe to the Daily Dunyun.

33) Lower your standards.

34) Get a slice of pizza from your floor meeting, then leave.

35) Reply-all. We care what you have to say. We really do.

36) Sit down with Tuckies in Byrne and start complaining about the economy.

37) Befriend Jim Gusanoz. Do it.

38) Become a drug dealer (please?)

39) Top of the Hop.

40) Fall on your ass on the ice and fight back the tears, but it hurts so much!

41) Go to Hanover High prom.

42) Attempt to convert somebody to the sexual preference required to hook up with you.

43) Spend hours, days, weeks talking with your buddies about block-rushing Zete and totally "running shit" from Day 1. All shake-out AD.

44) Pick a side in the Arab-Israeli conflict by favoring one side of the Pavilion.

45) Pressure a sober kid into driving you to Fort Lou's.

46) Fart while receiving oral sex.

47) Tell your friends from home that Dr. Seuss went here.

48) Try to rent porn from Jones Media Center.

49) The Green.

50) Go through rush and corporate recruiting "just to see." Then join a house and take that job offer.

51) Get yelled at by your mom for cutting the sleeves off all your shirts.

52) Wait out a line of five.

53) Invent illnesses to tell professors. We recommend diarrhea; they won't ask any more questions.

54) Struggle when the grill guy asks you for the "magic word." Hint: It's fucking please.

55) Take a nap.

56) Realize that a dance-floor makeout means nothing. Suddenly feel inadequate.

57) Take a professor out to lunch and hit on him/her.

58) Pretend you got mono from hooking up. Just pong.

59) Hone your stalking skills: DND, Facebook, Dartmouthsports.com.

60) Criticize Keystone, keep drinking.

61) Take a shit on top of Mt. Moosilauke.

62) Get fat.

63) Listen to sex noises from a back room.

64) Hope it snows...and by that we mean hope that a new cocaine shipment arrives in Hanover.

65) Spend more time calculating what grade you need to hit your NRO than studying.

66) Lower your standards...significantly.

67) Send a morning-after blitz.

68) Don't send a morning-after blitz.

69) Pretend you've never heard of cantaloupe. We just think that would be funny.

70) Search your name on Bored at Baker. Realize you accidentally submitted your name. FUCK.

71) 50 Yard Line.

72) Try to get a sandwich named after you at the Hop. Fail. You're no Billy Bob.

73) Knock over cups on a throw save. Don't offer to help clean it up.

74) Steal a black northface when you're drunk. Keep it in case someone steals your bike and you need to offer a reward.

75) Leave your mark on campus by excreting some sort of bodily fluid onto the Sphinx.

76) Request "The Thong Song" from the belltower.

77) Wake up when it's already dark outside.

78) Black in at Club Electra.

79) Repair the Green Print and be a hero for 10 minutes.

80) Steps of Dartmouth Hall.

81) Upper deck a Psi U toilet. Fuck those guys.

82) Figure it's time you settle down and start looking for a relationship. Hook up with that freshman.

83) Pick up the D, read the Overheards, don't forget to recycle.

84) Poach someone else's EBAs.

85) Make better friends from Diversions than DOC.

86) Pose nude for Joseph Mehling '69 a la Kate Winslet in Titanic.

87) Fellate a professor during office hoursíƒ∂metaphorically.

88) Get treated for Swine Flu at Dick's House with a cherry-flavored popsicle. Feel better.

89) Get upset when someone steals your stolen bike from FoCo.

90) Abandon your standards.

91) Wake up in a someone else's bed...without their knowledge or permission.

92) Take advantage of someone for their room draw number.

93) President's Lawn.

94) Join the ten-foot-high club on the Dartmouth Coach.

95) Get COSO funding for a totally bullshit club, such as "Dartmouth Students for the Acceptance of 3rd Nipples," "Dartmouth Fights Tooth Plaque," or "the Brovertones"

96) Crush some freshmen in pong, win by 2 fulls.

97) Steal a composite. Paste a picture of your family inside. Return.

98) Go to the apple orchard/Derby/polar bear swim and think only about taking pictures for Facebook.

99) Hate everyone.

100) Confuse Advance Transit with the AT. Congratulate yourself on completing the AT when you get let off at the Hop.

101) Squander opportunities you don't deserve in the first place.

102) Rally.

Elusive Commodity Known as “Social Capital” Revealed to be Primary Factor in Rush Process

In a controversial document leaked from the Greek Leadership Council yesterday, the long-guarded secrets of the inner workings of the sorority and fraternity rush process were revealed, leading many students to respond with shock and outrage. Though most people were aware that some combination of many complex factors come into play in order to properly categorize men and women into houses based on vague stereotypes such as stoners, WASPs, and assholes, no one was prepared to learn that there is only one distinct factor that matters: social capital.

Seniors Stop Pursuing Hook-Ups, Start Pursuing Spouses

As the class of 2011 enters their final three terms at Dartmouth, many have begun to more closely examine the men and women of their Dartmouth experience.

Mike "The Hallucination" McDonough '11 told The Dunyun, "Now, I've gotten the decade, the seven and the freshmen fifteen done. But man, it seems like every alumni met his/her spouse at Dartmouth. Straight from the DOC to the Chapel. Maybe I should start calling smushes back. I don't want to miss out on a wifey. If it don't smell bad, you might as well keep it. Right?"

Some seniors have resisted this revelation that they may have already met/smushed with their future spouse.

Nicole "Pookie" Steinberg '11 complained, "This is ridiculous. I know, let me tell you, I know for a fact that I've not met no husband. Just a bunch of pale, lanky grenades."

DOC to Add “Eat & Nap” to Next Year’s Trips Selection

Continuing their drive to get 100% of incoming freshmen to partake in the first year DOC trips program, the trips directorate voted on Thursday to establish “Eat & Nap” as an option for the next incoming class on trips. Eat & Nap edged out Competitive Eating, which several members of the directorate deemed too strenuous for the trippees that they are trying to attract.

Although 96% of the class of 2014 participated in the trips program, the main reasons given by the remaining four percent for not taking part included “being outside” and “physical activity.” Eat & Nap goes further than even the DOC’s most spirited past attempts to alleviate these concerns.

Freshmen Girls don’t yet Realize College isn’t like the Movies, Put out

Last night, over five hundred eighteen-year-old girls were unleashed on Dartmouth’s campus. These girls are the smartest bunch of incoming freshmen that the College has ever seen, ranging from one-man types fresh from high school romances to schoolgirls ready to shake off the confines of small-town America. No matter who the girl is, however, there is one thing she hasn’t yet realized: college isn’t exactly like the movies. Because they haven’t realized this, last night, more girls in the ’14 class put out in one night than will again for the rest of college. Campus men rejoiced.