President Kim Drunk Blitzes Entire Campus; Feels Shame

Dartmouth College president Jim Kim woke up Sunday morning with a terrible headache and a Blitzmail inbox full of responses with the subject line “Re: Thank You.” Kim immediately knew he had made a terrible mistake. Following the football team’s thrilling and once-in-a-lifetime victory against football powerhouse Sacred Heart, Kim could no longer contain his excitement, raging harder than an alum during senior week. In a state of deep inebriation and struck by sudden sentimental drunk appreciation for a school where alcohol flows so freely, Kim abused his ability to send a campus-wide blitz within a matter of seconds by sending the following blitz:


>From: "President Jim Yong Kim"
>Date: Sat, 25 Sep 2010 18:30:14 EDT
>Subject: Thank You
>To: Undergraduates in Residence:;

Dear Students,

I want to say thanks to the hundreds of you who came out to support your classmates in their games over the last two days. It was a great start to the fall season.

Be sure to catch the women's soccer team play Brown tomorrow at 1 p.m. Field hockey has its second game of the weekend against Holy Cross at 2 p.m.

Go Big Green!

Warmly,

President Kim

After a quick check of his bank account statement online showed he had ordered a Snuggie in every color, Kim then checked his Blackberry, which showed thirty missed calls from EBA’s.

“It was like a bad dream,” Kim says. “At first I was too scared to even read what I sent out to campus. At least I didn’t make any typos. So embarrassing. Why do they make it so easy for me? I can’t believe I was that excited about field hockey, for real. Do people really watch that hunchbacked excuse for a sport? And I signed it ‘Warmly.’ Warmly! I think maybe that was an inside joke with myself about the women’s soccer team.” Kim does not think the drunk blitz will affect his general status as a superhuman on campus, however. “Nah, they love me. Have you seen how cute my kids are? Hopefully I didn’t get blacklisted at EBA’s though. Sometimes you just really need three blue Powerades at 1 A.M.”

Many suspect President Kim was already intoxicated before he arrived at the stadium. Students, faculty, and Jim Gusanoz alike watched his antics firsthand during the game as Kim ran up and down the track, high-fiving people in the stands and attempting drunken cartwheels on the sidelines. Though no one could be certain at first that he had been drinking, it became apparent when he showed up at GDX at 6 p.m. in Dartmouth boxers with a half-empty bottle of Jack Daniels, shouting “Where the party at, y’all? Jack has arrived and wants next on table!” After holding table for seven games straight in a matter of twenty minutes, Kim then returned to his home on fraternity row to send the blitz in question.

Student reaction has been mixed, but mostly positive. “All I can say is kudos, dude. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had the urge to drunk blitz the entire campus, but I always give up after like ten minutes. Shit seriously takes hours,” said John Fidelt ’11. “And COSO would never use their listserv just to congratulate the football team. The football team? I mean really. He’s like that freshman who just got here and doesn’t realize they aren’t cool yet.”

Others simply found the blitz confusing. Danny Blum ’13 complained, “Why is he thanking us? What did we do? If he wanted to thank someone, he should have blitzed the other team’s kicker. That guy really came through for us. All I did was heckle the cheerleaders.”

For now, Kim is laying low at home, drinking flat ginger ale and watching an America’s Next Top Model marathon. He is expected to make an appearance at reds.