Freshmen Girls don’t yet Realize College isn’t like the Movies, Put out

Last night, over five hundred eighteen-year-old girls were unleashed on Dartmouth’s campus. These girls are the smartest bunch of incoming freshmen that the College has ever seen, ranging from one-man types fresh from high school romances to schoolgirls ready to shake off the confines of small-town America. No matter who the girl is, however, there is one thing she hasn’t yet realized: college isn’t exactly like the movies. Because they haven’t realized this, last night, more girls in the ’14 class put out in one night than will again for the rest of college. Campus men rejoiced.

“I’d have to say my favorite college movie is American Pie 2,” said Roberta Ramone ’14. “It came out when I was four, but I saw it when I was older. That scene at the end when Nadia takes Sherman upstairs? That’s the model I’m looking to follow for the next four years. It just seemed so picturesque and perfect. They were both looked so happy.”

In an email, Ramone declined to comment on what she did last night, except to say that “it involved some tea, ;)”

“College is… awesome,” said Chris Jeremy ’14, who had his first sexual experience last night. “There were so many girls, and so much alcohol, and this girl even took her own bra off. That saved me a whole ten minutes, which I put to good use. So long, high school girls. Hello, college women.”

Jeremy insisted that he didn’t even remember the name of the girl he met the night before, although during the interview, he did constantly check his phone to see if he had a return text from “[his], um, mom.”

In order to gain more perspective on the Orientation/Whorientation issue, the Dunyun interviewed upperclassmen to gain their perspective.

“Took me one night to realize I could do better than freshmen,” was all Lisa Miller ’12 said.

“Kind of hit a dry spell after Orientation,” said Patrick McGuire ’12. “Not exactly sure why. I think I decided to concentrate on my classes. There are so many upperclassmen in my Russians 13 class… must be really hard.”

’13 males interviewed by the Dunyun said they were unsure how to budget their time during Orientation.

“On the one hand, an opportunity with girls like never before in our lives,” said Jack Ling ’13. “On the other hand, only three weeks until rush, and I can’t be spending my time flirting only with girls. Gotta be thinking ahead.”