'13 Hires Personal Pledge Trainer to Prepare Him for Grueling Term

    Hank Hendrickson '13 was getting tired of his summer internship, and his focus was quickly shifting to the approaching fall term--the term he plans to pledge one of the fabled Greek houses of Dartmouth. Mr. Hendrickson saw the pledges his freshman fall, wearing silly hats and acting in strange ways, and he yearned to be a part of the process.  What he didn't know, however, was how he was going to handle all the brutal hazing.
  So Hank decided to take the bull by the balls and begin his pledge term early.  He hoped that his experience would put him at an advnatage in the process--his esophagus, and other schpincter muscles, would be prepared.
  Hank first went to his high school friends for help, asking them to haze him as if he were worthless scum.
 "We already kinda did that to [Hank], one of Hank's high school "buddies" told the Dunyun, speaking under condition of anonymity, "so we felt bad that there was nothing more we could to to help him get ready. Except he did drink my urine out of a solo cup earlier this summer, but I didn't ask him to.  Kid's kind of a freak, honestly."
  Where his friends failed him, Hank decided, Craigslist surely would not.  Posting an ad in the Casual Encounters section, where Hank assumed most of Craigslist's bro community congregated, he asked for a former bro willing to perform pledge trainer duties in hour-long sessions on each of the Wednesday, Friday, and Saturday nights during the remaining weeks of summer.
  "The response I got was unbelievable. There were just so many bros that wanted to haze me.  'I'm gonna fuck you up,' read one of the responses I got!  Another 'brofessional', heh, applicant, told me he would bring the leather straps and chains if I would pick up some candles.  Who knew they used all that in pledge term?  The things you learn!"
  After nearly an hour of reading through applications, Hank had found his man, a certified Dartmouth student and former brother in the older, badass Beta.  The Beta that tortured a kid.
    Hans Tougemeier had an impressive resume, including experience in "viking warfare, Cheney-kwon-du (waterboarding)" and an extensive skillset of pledge-related talents, listed under the heading "SWEET TASKS".
    Hank was sold, and called Mr. Tougemeier to schedule their first session.  "I was just really ready to start," Mr. Hendrickson told The Dunyun, "I had done all the self-loosening I could and was seriously pumped to move up to the big leagues."
    The morning after their first session, Hank's parents awoke to find their son naked, unconscious, and covered in his own feces, wearing a bodybag as a cape, on their front stoop.  He had graciously picked up the newspaper on his way to the door.
    "I was so proud that our son was finally becoming a sweet dude," said Hendrickson's father, Frank,  "He'll be the first in our family to go through the process, but hopefully not the last!"
    Hank's exercises for the remainder of the summer left him aching where he had undoubtedly ached before, and painfully prepared for any pledge task involving vomit, alcohol, fire, or any combination thereof.
    Hendrickson plans to rush Sig Ep in the fall.

- Bob Roberts '13