Elusive Commodity Known as “Social Capital” Revealed to be Primary Factor in Rush Process

In a controversial document leaked from the Greek Leadership Council yesterday, the long-guarded secrets of the inner workings of the sorority and fraternity rush process were revealed, leading many students to respond with shock and outrage. Though most people were aware that some combination of many complex factors come into play in order to properly categorize men and women into houses based on vague stereotypes such as stoners, WASPs, and assholes, no one was prepared to learn that there is only one distinct factor that matters: social capital.

Just a few weeks before rush, the news has rocked the campus. “All this time I was under the impression that getting into a frat was about good deeds, a pure heart, and the ability to pick out cute puppies,” says Johnson Mackenzie ‘13. "What am I supposed to do now? Meet people? Pretend I like them or want to wear basketball shorts every day? Actually join a sports team with these dbags?”

Though the definition of “social capital” is hard to pin down, Alana Frankenbaum ’13 says she thinks of it as a simple formula. “It’s really the number of Facebook friends you have multiplied by the number of people who came to your room party in the spring multiplied by the number of agrees your name gets on Bored at Baker plus how many headnods you get while walking across the green, divided by the number of words you know to the Dragonball Z theme song. It’s simple math, really.”

While Frankenbaum seems confident in her formula, other students find the search for this commodity more overwhelming. Immediately following the release of the news, the campus was in complete frenzy as eager ‘13s began desperately searching for social capital. Eric Lindberg ’11, who works at Topside, witnessed the madness firsthand. “I was just minding my business playing World of Warcraft behind the counter, typical slow day, when all of a sudden these kids start coming in asking if we sell social capital. What does that even mean? I quit the econ major for a reason.”

Sarah Tillman ’13, who has her heart set on “either KDE or Kappa…but don’t print that” immediately quit the activities she was involved in, including the Dartmouth Bogglers’ Union, the Dartmouth College Chemistry Society, and the Medieval Enthusiasts at Dartmouth in order to pursue more “facetime-y” activities. “See, at first I was just so excited to go to Dartmouth that I only joined clubs that reminded people from home I was at Dartmouth, you know, with like, ‘Dartmouth’ in the title. I was sooo stuck in high school though. Who cares what shows up as your activities on Facebook when you’re totally gutting your social capital by hanging out with people who like spelling and wearing capes for fun?” Tillman now follows around the Dodecaphonics, calling herself their “biggest fan” and singing along to all their songs, and she has begun wearing a red bandana around because, according to sources, she saw some dudes in the AD basement wearing them and “really doesn’t get it.”

As of press time, the Dunyun was unable to reach the head of the GLC for comment, but their website assures us that it will be updated with new information by September 2005.