Seniors Stop Pursuing Hook-Ups, Start Pursuing Spouses

As the class of 2011 enters their final three terms at Dartmouth, many have begun to more closely examine the men and women of their Dartmouth experience.

Mike "The Hallucination" McDonough '11 told The Dunyun, "Now, I've gotten the decade, the seven and the freshmen fifteen done. But man, it seems like every alumni met his/her spouse at Dartmouth. Straight from the DOC to the Chapel. Maybe I should start calling smushes back. I don't want to miss out on a wifey. If it don't smell bad, you might as well keep it. Right?"

Some seniors have resisted this revelation that they may have already met/smushed with their future spouse.

Nicole "Pookie" Steinberg '11 complained, "This is ridiculous. I know, let me tell you, I know for a fact that I've not met no husband. Just a bunch of pale, lanky grenades."


Many '11s have started panicking and writing love-blitzes to former flames, mistakes or even freshmen fall fake-outs.

Paul "Pauly T" Tiramisu '11, a Music major from Rhode Island, tweeted @thedunyun yesterday,
"Yeah I figure I'll act the sweetheart with all these girls. Maybe I'll find something special, someone to rein in Pauly T and get our kids into Dartmouth for sure. It'll definitely get me a smush though. Every time."

There are the few couples though that have been together their whole Dartmouth careers and may make that next step.

Donald "Donnie" Press '11 and Sammie "Braveheart" Richardson '11 met in their freshmen seminar, Bodybuilding through the Ages, and have been inseparable since.

Braveheart proudly commented, "Yeah we met freshmen fall, smushed freshmen fall and haven't stopped smushing, except when you know, you just can't smush."

When asked about the possibility of marrying Braveheart, Donnie punched the Dunyun reporter, ripped his shirt off and ran.

-Stephen Briggs '12