Fashion Report: Penis-Sleeves

Every spring, warm temperatures allow female students to ditch their winter coats in favor of more revealing clothing options. It's a sight that brings a smile to the face of every blue-blooded son of old Dartmouth.

This year, campus men have responded in kind. Males everywhere are beginning to shed their clothes in favor of light, breathable penis-sleeves.

One could think of a penis-sleeve (or PS) as sort of like a sock except it's form fitting and on the penis.

Freshman Girl Sick of Being Corrected on Blitz

Hannah Olfred ’14 has had a good year so far. She’s done well with her classes, made lasting friendships, and feels good about her prospects for rush in the fall. Unfortunately, she has a problem. Olfred keeps getting corrected on blitz by the men she’s been involved with. 

“It started with this one senior, [name redacted],” Olfred said in an interview with The Dunyun. “He kept telling me to quote. To highlight. I didn’t know what that means. I still don’t know what that means. But can’t we have a conversation without him correcting me? It’s rude.”

Olfred has “flitzed” with three seniors, seven juniors, and eight sophomore men over the course of the year. Not a single one of them has managed to ignore her repeated blitz faux-pas. 

Dartmouth Student Criminal Totally Doesn’t Deserve to Have Her Name Printed in The D

Following the recent apprehension of one of Dartmouth’s most meme-worthy fugitives (no, not the Cuddler), students around campus have been protesting The Dartmouth’s decision to publish the name of the student (cough mozzarella cough), even though they didn’t provide us with other juicy details that we really wanted. 

“I can’t believe they published the name!” said one member of the Class of 2011. “Typical D. But why couldn’t they print the amount of money that it was? Is this going to be a felony? I already knew her name. I want more.”

The Dartmouth defends its decisions to print student names related to criminal cases with the fact that these names are already part of the public record, even if they haven’t been as publicized in this media bubble. 

Admissions Office Limits Today’s Campus Tours to Mediocre Students

Undergraduate Admissions director Mary Donovan announced today that all campus tours will include only students who probably will not gain admission into Dartmouth anyway. This measure has been introduced in an effort to to acknowledge the futility of standing in the midst of falling snow in late April and telling people they should choose to live this miserable life for four long years.

Wednesday, April 20th, 2011

We're taking a break from The Dunyun today, folks.

But we thought we'd leave you with one final question to ponder:

What's the difference between jam and jelly?

- The Dunyun

Ludlow Lost

Well, Ben Ludlow lost. It’s a sad day for anybody who loves America and is friends with Jim Gusanoz. The write-in campaign never really got off the ground, but that’s OK. We sincerely hope that next year’s SA Administration reach out to Ludlow and his supporters in order to better enact the changes that Dartmouth needs. 

Despite the fact that the Dartmouth student body is dumb and elected not-Ludlow, Ben plans to organize a bus to head down to Bonnaroo to “just hang out.” He also pledges to revive the “Tubestock” tradition, although nobody has any idea how he’s going to do that from off-campus.

Admissions Department Pushes for Transparency, Bans Croo Disguises

With the administration and SA candidates not named Ben Ludlow pushing for more transparency in the administrative process, the admissions department has followed suit. According to Dean of Admissions Maria Laskaris, members of this weekend’s Dimensions Croo will be banned from impersonating prospies.

“We want to include ‘15s in the decision making process,” said Laskaris. “But they can’t without easy and accurate access to information. Having 14’s go behind their backs by hiding their true motivations sends the message that we don’t care about ‘15s input. And we do. I swear.”

A committee of ‘15s will be formed to meet with Croo leaders and discuss what they want Dimensions to include.

College to Use “Racism Tax” to Solve Budget Crisis

Dartmouth’s always looking for a way to make a few extra bucks. For all the extra money we get, that’s one more kid we can give financial aid or one more sorority house we can build. The list goes on and on. The College has recently unveiled a new plan to make money, and it’s turning some heads. Dartmouth has officially endorsed the Indian mascot, and will issue a “racism tax” for all apparel sold that features the Indian. Half of this money will go towards the general budget, and the other half will be sent to NAD and the NAS Department. So…

Ben Ludlow for SA President

In order to create mischief in the political process, The Dunyun is now announcing its endorsement of Ben Ludlow ‘12 for SA President as a write-in, with Brian Holekamp ‘12 on the ticket for Vice President. Ludlow is part of the Dirty Bird party, and plans to run under the campaign slogan, “CHOOOOOse Ludlow”, part of his “Derpin’” campaign. 

There are many reasons why Ben Ludlow is the perfect candidate. For one thing, he doesn’t care at all about Student Assembly, and neither do you. He didn’t register to run because that would mean that he would have to spend time at debates, which would distance him from the student body. His favorite Pokemon is Snorlax and his favorite water is Aquafina. Another good reason why Ben Ludlow is running: “Because Twill Dicks Cannot.”

Student Feels Regret after Forging Signatures on COS Petition

Brendan Haynesworth ’13 suddenly felt a pang of regret hours after turning in his petition to run for the Committee on Standards Wednesday afternoon. Having collected only 41 of the required 50 signatures minutes before the deadline, Haynesworth and several friends used various color pens and different handwriting techniques to forge the final nine signatures, thus ensuring his candidacy.

However, several hours later, when Haynesworth decided to investigate the function of the COS, which had been described to him by a friend as “a sweet work-free resume booster,” he was dismayed to learn that the committee was actually responsible for trying and convicting students accused of breaking the honor code.

Cordial Conversation Leads to Marginal Friendship

A conversation in the Russell Sage 3 bathroom last week has blossomed into a marginal friendship when hall-mates Matt Witkin ‘14 and Chris Sener ’14 were serendipitously brought together by a shared need to brush their teeth. Generic conversation ensued.

Witkin and Sener had first met on move-in day when Witkin’s mom confronted Sener about a possible friendship with her son. “She sort of pushed me into his room and forced the introduction,” Witkin reported to the Dunyun. “He seemed nice enough but his mom freaked me out. She kept squeezing my arm and smiling at Chris. I told him I liked his Family Guy poster and left. I guess we haven’t really spoken since.”

That all changed when the two occupied adjacent sinks Wednesday morning. Sener recalled the proceedings: “I saw him walk in and was like, ‘Hey Matt!’ Stupid I know. I should’ve gone with ‘Sup,’ or ‘Your hair looks nice today,’ but clearly it worked out alright.”

“Oh hey Chris, how are you?” Witkin responded.

Small talk be damned, Sener shot back, “Pretty good. You?”

“Good.”

“That was definitely the tensest part,” Witkin later reported. “There was an ambiguity of who, if anyone, should speak next. And once toothpaste went to mouth, any progress our conversation had made would go to shit. I couldn’t let that happen. We had come too far.”

Witkin eventually spoke up, asking Sener how his term was going. From there, the conversation took off. The two adventurous ‘14s covered themes from “what classes are you taking?” to “do you like them?” to “did you see Family Guy last night?”

Any hope of real progress was cut short by a focal shift to dental hygiene. (Witkin was running late to his 11, Socy 9: People Doing Things).

Still, considering the obvious time constraints, it would be off base to call their conversation anything less than a success. Said Sener, “We may not be there yet, but I foresee hellos in the Hop grill line. Maybe with a funny line about how there’s snow in April.”

Witkin seemed less concerned with forging new friendships, “Fuck it, I’m about to be in a frat.” But his longing eyes belied a deep-seated need for camaraderie, fraternal or lavatorial.

As of publication, there are prospects for a joint Topside run in the near future, as both are running low on dental floss.

Threat Level Raised to “Orange” as Spring Break Tan Wears Off

It’s officially been ten days since Sally Tisby has been in the Bahamas. And ten days, as everybody knows, is the official amount of time that it takes for a tan to wear off. Tisby, however, has disproved this constant law of tanning with her perpetual bronze status. As a result, the Ultraviolet Ray Protection Commission has raised the threat level to “Orange”. Nobody is sure how she’s done it, but The Dunyun has received unconfirmed rumors that it has something to do with “frequent trips to West Leb”[anon]. 

Mobile Uploads Confirm Girl Did Go Out

A series of Facebook mobile uploads last Friday confirmed reports of Alexa Logan's '14 presence at multiple fraternities throughout the evening. The discovery of these photos by fellow students came after varying reports on Logan's whereabouts and happenings. Fortunately, all doubts surrounding Logan's night have been removed thanks to her diligent posting of photographic journal entries via Facebook.

According to the photographic evidence, her night began at Chi Gam, where her Blackberry captured vivid images of her playing what appeared to be an intense game of pong. In one of the more interesting photos, Logan can be seen posing with a paddle in her hand as she seemingly waits for the arriving ball, accompanied by a telling caption of "shrub life...."