Dartmouth Student Criminal Totally Doesn’t Deserve to Have Her Name Printed in The D

Following the recent apprehension of one of Dartmouth’s most meme-worthy fugitives (no, not the Cuddler), students around campus have been protesting The Dartmouth’s decision to publish the name of the student (cough mozzarella cough), even though they didn’t provide us with other juicy details that we really wanted. 

“I can’t believe they published the name!” said one member of the Class of 2011. “Typical D. But why couldn’t they print the amount of money that it was? Is this going to be a felony? I already knew her name. I want more.”

The Dartmouth defends its decisions to print student names related to criminal cases with the fact that these names are already part of the public record, even if they haven’t been as publicized in this media bubble. 

“They should’ve interviewed me,” said one member of the Class of 2012 who wished to be named in this article but isn’t deserving of the facetime. “I know some stuff. I heard from this guy who used to hook up with her best friend in high school that there wasn’t just money stolen, but cocaine as well. And stolen paintings. She stole The Scream in 2004.”

The Dunyun was able neither to confirm nor deny these allegations of theft of The Scream. 

Even supporters of The Dartmouth’s editorial decisions have their gripes with the publication. 

“Look, if you’re going to hide behind ‘journalism’, then do some of it!” said one alumnus who reads The D online every day. “Tell me more! I already found out her name two days ago from this kid on an off term that I met at some bar the other night, and then I sent it out to my frat class’s Google group so that everybody would be up to date. What has The D offered me that I didn’t already know? Tell me about the purchases. Tell me every juicy little detail. Just so long as you can make a name for yourself as an investigatory journalist, no matter how any friends you lose or people you leave dead and blooded along the way?”

When asked for comment, The D apologized but said that it couldn’t publish rumors that it heard. But what if they’re from a super-reliable source who totally knows what he’s talking about?

Frustrated with the lack of new, juicy information offered by The Dartmouth, students have been turning to Bored@Baker and Twitter for the most up-to-date information. 

Not to mention, as well, that in the court of public opinion, everyone’s guilty until proven guilty. And that the best way not to get accused of committing felonies is not to commit them.