Admissions Department Pushes for Transparency, Bans Croo Disguises

With the administration and SA candidates not named Ben Ludlow pushing for more transparency in the administrative process, the admissions department has followed suit. According to Dean of Admissions Maria Laskaris, members of this weekend’s Dimensions Croo will be banned from impersonating prospies.

“We want to include ‘15s in the decision making process,” said Laskaris. “But they can’t without easy and accurate access to information. Having 14’s go behind their backs by hiding their true motivations sends the message that we don’t care about ‘15s input. And we do. I swear.”

A committee of ‘15s will be formed to meet with Croo leaders and discuss what they want Dimensions to include.

Distrust of Croos has had long lasting repercussions on students. Croo member Caitlin Munroe ’14 is paranoid that some of her fellow Croo members are actually ‘13s in disguise. ’13s pretending to be ‘14s pretending to be ‘15s. Inappropriately meta.

This decision represents a momentous shift from the years of deception and fraud that have poisoned Dimensions Weekend with false friends and too-good-to-be-true names and hometowns like Drew Peacock and Poopville, Nebraska.

Continuing the theme of transparency, Croo members will also be banned from pretending to care about prospies. “We don’t want to give ‘15s the impression that students here give a shit about anyone younger than themselves. It’s not like these prospies are gonna get me an AD bid next fall,” said Croo member Matt FitzSimmons ’14.

Exceptions will be granted to any ’14 guy who’s looking for a sneak peek into what the Dartmouth X has in store for the next three years.

The Dimensions show will feature songs covering topics from the joys of the A–minus median, to how to spot an econ major (hint: does he play a sport?), to that graceful head duck away from Friday night’s regret.

Opinion columnists for The D are applauding this new approach, although they’ll mourn the loss of the I’m-Disenchanted-With-Dartmouth-And-So-Should-You article that has popped up every month or so. You can’t become disenchanted without a group of Red–Bulled up freshmen fucking with your expectations in the first place, right? Transparency.

The administration is actively working to resolve other deceiving aspects of campus, like the “improved” quality of chicken sandwiches in new Foco or that one 50 degree day before another April snowstorm.

Croo members will still wear Flair. Not because it’s representative of Dartmouth at all but because it’s awesome. I want to wear Flair. Any prospie who doesn’t like Flair can get the fuck out and go to Penn.