Threat Level Raised to “Orange” as Spring Break Tan Wears Off

It’s officially been ten days since Sally Tisby has been in the Bahamas. And ten days, as everybody knows, is the official amount of time that it takes for a tan to wear off. Tisby, however, has disproved this constant law of tanning with her perpetual bronze status. As a result, the Ultraviolet Ray Protection Commission has raised the threat level to “Orange”. Nobody is sure how she’s done it, but The Dunyun has received unconfirmed rumors that it has something to do with “frequent trips to West Leb”[anon]. 

“Bitch,” one anonymous source said. “Like people can’t tell. Who’s she kidding? No way her spring break tan has lasted this long.”

Other girls seen walking around campus have suffered from a variety of symptoms of Post Spring Break Tan Disorder (PSBTD). The main symptom is alabaster skin that matches the snow that falls on it. Other symptoms include peeling skin, a generally disgruntled state of mind, and a prejudice against girls who have maintained their tans. 

“I guess my skin just retains its tan really well,” Tisby said. “Which is so weird, because normally I burn!” After that comment, she giggled. Then she batted her eyelashes. 

Although most men on campus who were previously tanned suffer from PSBTD, some have miraculously maintained their tans, similar to Tisby. It is interesting to note that these men also tend to have proclivities for lifting weights and using product in their hair. 

Everybody’s still waiting, however, for Sundress Day, when tanning practices stop happening in the private of Facebook albums of foreign countries and start happening in the public of the Green. Ooh, Sundress Day. Cmon.