College to Use “Racism Tax” to Solve Budget Crisis

Dartmouth’s always looking for a way to make a few extra bucks. For all the extra money we get, that’s one more kid we can give financial aid or one more sorority house we can build. The list goes on and on. The College has recently unveiled a new plan to make money, and it’s turning some heads. Dartmouth has officially endorsed the Indian mascot, and will issue a “racism tax” for all apparel sold that features the Indian. Half of this money will go towards the general budget, and the other half will be sent to NAD and the NAS Department. So…

There seems to be no point in letting The Dartmouth Review monopolize racist apparel sales. There’s good money to be made there, since the average person who buys Indian swag tends to have “affluent” written all over them. The tax of 10% is expected to generate upwards of $10,000 over the next fiscal year. 

“Well, we’re happy to be receiving money,” said an anonymous source from within the NAS Department. “But this seems like a really half-assed way to go about it. Couldn’t they have just made Billy Bobs more expensive again?”

The Dartmouth Review wasn’t about to let this opportunity to opine slip by. 

“This is just another case of big government getting in the way, taxing the people to death,” TDR said in a press release. “We need national defense spending, China be damned. Next thing you know there’ll be a tax on free speech. Long live the Second Amendment. Wait, what were we talking about?”

College officials have defended the irony of taxing racists and giving the money to minorities by pointing to the many similar instances in national policy. If there’s a tax for every manner of sin, why can’t there be one for racism?

“This raises an interesting dilemma,” College President Jim Yong Kim said in an interview with The Dunyun. “Racism is such an intangible thing. It’s not like drinking or smoking, which can be measured in drinks or cigarettes consumed. What we need are solutions by students, for students. Look, all I know is that if bringing the Indian back boosts attendance at football games, then I’m happy.”