Ben Ludlow for SA President

In order to create mischief in the political process, The Dunyun is now announcing its endorsement of Ben Ludlow ‘12 for SA President as a write-in, with Brian Holekamp ‘12 on the ticket for Vice President. Ludlow is part of the Dirty Bird party, and plans to run under the campaign slogan, “CHOOOOOse Ludlow”, part of his “Derpin’” campaign. 

There are many reasons why Ben Ludlow is the perfect candidate. For one thing, he doesn’t care at all about Student Assembly, and neither do you. He didn’t register to run because that would mean that he would have to spend time at debates, which would distance him from the student body. His favorite Pokemon is Snorlax and his favorite water is Aquafina. Another good reason why Ben Ludlow is running: “Because Twill Dicks Cannot.”

Ben Ludlow has already brought back course guide, put rentable computer chargers and staplers in the library, created greenport and the median grade spreadsheet. 

In addition, if Ludlow wins, the entire Dunyun staff will get tattoos of Ludlow’s face with the American flag as a backdrop. 

Ben Ludlow can replace the Novack vending machines with a Gusanoz franchise. 

Ben Ludlow can replace the sorority rush process with a beauty pageant. 

Ben Ludlow can single-handedly replace all forums with monster truck rallies in order to better solve issues. 

Ben Ludlow has many campaign promises. The first is to remove Billy Bob Jr.s from the Hop menu. The second is to re-install the FoCo TVs, and televise Masters there. And all 10As will have donuts and coffee. The College will install queen-sized beds in every dorm room. Also, if Ludlow wins, the Equestrian Team will be disbanded. They will be stripped of their horses, which will be given to Ludlow and his friends. 

Things Ben Ludlow doesn’t know exist on campus:

EPAC (thinks it’s a sandwich at the Hop)

Dartboard (thinks it’s a dartboard)

The Tower Room (thinks it’s the final level in Mario Party)

7-9 AM

Things Ben Ludlow does know exist on this campus:

Undun

The sauna at the gym

How many ‘14s he can benchpress at once

If Ludlow wins, he will be the first write-in winner since My Dick won in 1997. 

- The Dunyun