Student Sexiled Into Inner Room Wonders If There Is Anything Worse

“Hell hath no fury like a roommate trapped.” – William Congreve, paraphrased

    On Monday night, Gregory Dunlop ’11 was awakened by the sound of his room’s door slamming shut. Dunlop, who lives in the inner room of a two-room double in Gile, at first thought that the sound was only the return of his roommate, Josh Martin ’11. Dunlop was just about to yell out to Martin when he heard a female voice on the other side of the door.
    “They say the first reaction is often the best one,” said Dunlop. “And my first reaction was, ‘fuck.’ Turns out that that was the right one on so many different levels.”

The Dunyun Detective: Slitzing

Every upperclassman remembers that magical moment, that passionate eclipse, when she lost her Slitzinity.  We all know the story: that Writing 5 cutie blitzes you asking when the first draft of that 3 page final paper is due, this leads to mild, then heavy Flitzing, and finally, full-on Slitzing.  Recently, Slitzing has become a pillar of the Dartmouth hookup culture. But is it healthy?  How is Slitzing really affecting us?  The Dunyun takes a look.
What is "Slitzing," a Dartmouth outsider (Grandma) might ask?  It’s an amalgamation of the term "blitzing," Dartmouth's version of barking at other people, and "sex," defined alternately as “the penetration of any orifice by another object” and “a highly designed coffee table book written by Madonna.” 

Students “Already Excited for Green Key”

“Happiness makes up in height for what it lacks in length.” – Robert Frost

    In a campus-wide survey awkwardly administered on your way to lunch after your 12 on Monday, students indicated that their break was good, but—more importantly—that they are excited for Green Key Weekend. 
    Green Key, which features festivals, carnivals, love-ivals, concerts and day drinking, was unanimously hailed as “the best weekend ever.”
    “I love it so much,” said Rita Rogers ’11. “I love day drinking. It’s like normal drinking, but it’s during the day, and the sun is out, and all your friends are there. It’s just… Green Key. The freshmen really have no idea what they’re in for.’
    Karyn Partridge ’13 confirmed that she has no idea what she’s in for.

Student Reports Incident of Elusive Female Orgasm on Dartmouth Campus, Falls in “Love”

A shocking report of a true blue non-auto-induced female orgasm hit campus early Saturday morning after Maggie Turner ’13 experienced her very first climax during sexual intercourse with Dan Bailey ’11. Immediately following the awkward early-morning search for her bra, Turner trudged home at dawn to blitz out to all of her friends about it. “I was as shocked as anyone,” Turner says. “I mean, I was beginning to think that it didn’t really exist. I certainly don’t know anyone who’s ever had a real one, you know, the whole toe-curling, pillow-biting kit and caboodle.” Turner says her friends were “so jealous, and a little bit skeptical. You could pick it up in the ellipses that they didn’t believe me. Like, one of them asked if I was sure I didn’t pee and another one said ‘Pics or it didn’t happen.’ Well, if I could feel like that from pissing I would constantly drink coffee and beer, that’s all I’m saying.”

The Dunyun Cures AIDS

“They ain’t never curing AIDS. They can’t even cure Athlete’s Foot!” – Chris Rock

    For decades, The Dunyun has been a shining light of social and political activism. From successfully uncovering the Watergate scandal to giving Monica Lewinsky romantic advice, we’ve always been doing what we can to make the world a better place. We have, however, not been without our critics. There are those who accuse us of “not doing anything” and of “just being mean to people.” However, this chapter in The Dunyun’s life is now in the past. On Sunday, The Dunyun successfully cured AIDS.
    Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome, more commonly known as AIDS, is a health problem that has confounded medical experts and devastated the developing world. The disease has killed over 2 million people worldwide. For years, leading researchers have struggled to develop an effective vaccine or cure. The solution, however, is much more simple. All that one needs to do to cure AIDS and save the world is to make fun of shit.

'12 Needs Third Class, Easy

After a terribly hungover first day of classes, Stevie Worthington '12 looked at his Schedule Detail and only had two classes: Socy 3: Talking to People and Rel 12: Advanced Praying.

Worthington had gotten jacuzzied the night before and was really feeling the stones in his stomach in the morning. But he managed to shop Econ 35: Corporate Recruiting in the 11. The teacher however refused to accept any more students even "social chairs".

"I'm an affluent Econ major, my Dad is Craig from Craig's List, and I'm in a frat," yelled Worthington. "How can you not put me in this class?"

Publication Ceased Until Spring Term

After a long term spent making up news--tiring work, let me tell you--The Dunyun's staff is taking a vacation. Don't worry! We'll all be back in the spring with even funnier headlines and maybe some articles that you might skim during your 12. In the meantime, however, we'd like to share our vacation plans with our wonderful readers. Feel free to use our ideas as inspiration for how to spend your break.

Stephen Briggs '12 is spending his break going on a cross-country drive, stopping at all 50 state schools to "pick up chicks." We don't have the heart to tell him that you can't drive to Hawaii, but also have faith that he can't count that high.

Frannie Mays '11 is turning 21 and looking forward to her first sip of alcohol. She will be eating roasted chicken with her fingers and pretending she killed it herself. She also has plans in the works to fuck a lion, play online bridge, and do an independent study of BG pledge term

James Engle '11 will be spending his days working on a tan and his nights working with a chainsaw to improve his lumberjack skills. In the wee hours, he will be watching Jude Law and Hugh Grant movies to perfect his charming British accent. He will also take a course on French cooking. He will return from spring break as the perfect man.

Shocking Study Reveals That Being Featured on the Dartmouth Homepage Leads to Depression and Substance Abuse

    Dartmouth, like any other college, has many students who struggle with depression. For years, researchers have searched for a common link that may inform doctors on the treatment of the disease and, hopefully, how to prevent it. This search has been futile until recently, when a team working at Dartmouth-Hitchcock Medical Center discovered the missing link. Any student who is featured on the Dartmouth homepage will soon find him- or herself struggling with existential anxiety, depression, substance abuse, and a host of other problems. One leading theory, proposed by Roger Morton, a psychologist at DHMC, is that once an individual has been featured on the homepage, there is “nothing left to live for.”
    According to Morton, being featured in a picture on the Dartmouth homepage is “the holy grail” of achievements for a Dartmouth undergraduate.

Dun-on-Dun with Bored @ Baker

Dunyun reporters sat down with campus leader Bored @ Baker for another installment of Dun-on-Dun.

Why'd you choose Dartmouth?

Piping hot girls. Am I hard guyz?

What's your plan after college?

AD pledge hopefully. Fingers crossed. Is it cool if I round my 3.6 to a 3.8 before Rush?

What are your thoughts on gay people?

DTF in the Stacks. Always.

What does it take to become newsworthy?

You click the button. (1 Newsworthy)

Are you single?

Been "interning" with Linda Gridley since Frosh fall. Yup.

Freshman Tries Marijuana for the First Time, Realizes he is “So Thankful for Wind”

Percy Needlenose ’13, who hails from Cleveland, Ohio, had never experimented with marijuana before Monday night. Descriptions of Percy by his various friends and acquaintances range from “kind of a prude,” to “wet blanket. Total cockblock” to “noticeably asthmatic” to “really good at macrame.” Needlenose himself was featured in a “Spotlight On” during fall term in recognition of his first-place victory at the national speed chess championship in Saint Louis last summer. In that article, he described himself as, “a true champion of social dignity. I feel it is vulgar and garish to lose control of oneself, for after all, what else do we have but our clarity of thought?” Needlenose went on to say that he plans to tirelessly work to disband the “barbaric, lawless and paganistic” Greek system and confirmed that he was, in fact, the one who reported you to the UGA last term because he smelled you smoking weed, but “those PotHead Hippies deserved it.”

Bichon Frise Accepted as Legacy Student, Leaves Critics Barking Mad

A controversial admissions decision has been leaked to the press by an insider in the Dartmouth admissions office; namely, that the college has decided to accept a seven-year-old Bichon Frise whose owners are wealthy alumni of the school. The Dunyun's source chose to remain unnamed, but claims "I feel as a representative of the college it is my duty to make sure that others are as outraged as I am. This is nepotism at its worst and a clear ploy to pander to our alums for large donations in these trying economic times." The source added, "Bitches ain't shit."

Rarely Used Resource Known as "Common Courtesy" Determined to be Expendable

In a blitz sent out this morning, President Kim announced the College's decision to cut common courtesy from the budget. When the idea was first proposed by Acting Provost Carol Folt, the administration came under fire for the term's perceived ambiguity. In response, the President's office issued a statement saying, "'Common courtesy' is an umbrella term, which we use to include everything from looking Friday's hookup in the eye, to thanking the people who swipe your card, to sustaining a conversation with someone who won't promote your social standing."

Katie E. Croo Enters SA Presidential Race; Witnesses Forced to Invent Term, “Déjà Déjà vu”

    Dartmouth has an unfortunate trend of having individuals with the same name. Most of these double-named individuals manage to lead fairly dissimilar lives, thereby differentiating themselves and not leading to too many wrongly addressed morning-after blitzes. However, this rule does not apply to the several Katie E. Croos on campus. The past two Student Assembly Presidents have been named Katie E. Croo, and another Katie E. Croo has recently announced her candidacy. Lay observers on campus note the dizzy sensation that accompanies such repetition.
    “It’s like a record skipping,” said one individual who wished to remain anonymous but was eager to be interviewed. “Only instead of having the record re-play itself every couple seconds, it takes a whole year to loop back around. It’s kind of like watching an episode of Lost. I’m not really sure what year I’m in anymore.”

Mclane 3 Claims Responsibility for Increase in Alcohol Related Arrests

Members of the third floor of Mclane Hall invited the presidents of every Dartmouth fraternity and sorority to an "emergency meeting" on Friday afternoon in the Baker Library Tower Room.

In front of an audience of four floor mates, three winter term pledges and this Dunyun reporter, Alex Weaver '13, the self-proclaimed "mastermind" behind Mclane 3, apologized to the entire Dartmouth Greek system for "All the hardships that we've caused you in the past month", confessing that "Mclane 3 takes full responsibility for the increase in Good Sams and alcohol related arrests this year, which has been caused solely by our pre-games."

Men Hold "D-Day" For Gender Equality

After excellent support for V-Week and V-Day, a group of Dartmouth men decided to seize the gender equality momentum and hold D-Week and D-Day (or Day of Dick). 

D-Day organizer, Richard Dickey '10, told Dunyun reporters, "D-Week is a movement for men and their penises. The goal is to raise awareness for the oppressed male out there, the blue-balled, turtling, penis-wielder who keeps shooting blanks. We hope that throughout this week, men will laugh, cry, and in the end, get off."

D-Week commenced with a talk from porn giant Lexington Steele titled, "Re-Member Me", a touching look into a 12-inch life.

Steele commented afterwards, "It's the least I can do. Men's dicks don't get enough loving these days."

Other events included a screening of "Saving Ryan's Private's", free bush trimmer giveaways, and a speech from a Dick's House nurse on how to turn a hernia check into so much more.

Budget Cuts Force Administration to Downgrade Commencement Speaker from Boutros Boutros-Ghali to Flavor Flav

Though the commencement speaker for this year’s graduation ceremony had not yet been announced, sources within the administration reported to the Dunyun that they “had Boutros Boutros-Ghali on lock, son!” However, upon learning that the college would have to cut 100 million dollars from the budget, and following President Kim’s decision to strike a compromise with those who felt strongly that the same person who makes their Paninis could definitely not also be the one to put their waffle fries on the plate, the administration had to back out of their agreement to meet Boutros-Ghali’s speaking fee of $75,000. The former secretary-general of the United Nations commented that he regrets that he can no longer serve as the commencement speaker, but noted that he’s “all about the Benjamins, y’all.”

“Dartmouth X” Professor to Reach out to Underrepresented Groups in Class

    For years, Professor Allison Lowood has been teaching Sociology 36: The Dartmouth X. However, for this spring’s class, she is hoping to have somebody other than freshman guys and senior girls take the class.
    “I’ve always had my class fill up to capacity with freshman guys and senior girls, with the occasional junior girl thrown into the mix,” Lowood said. “They all want an institutional reason why they aren’t being appreciated besides their annoying self-righteousness. Come to think of it, if that’s the reason why everyone’s taking the class, maybe we should switch to the Women and Gender Studies Department. That fits their description much better.”
    Johanna Murray ’10, who took the class her junior spring, commented that the class “opened [her] eyes to the injustices of the system.”

Dun-on-Dun with Collis Ray

Dunyun reporters sat down with campus icon Collis Ray for a Dun-on-Dun interview.

What made you decide to work at Collis?

Didn’t like the Hop.

How’s your family?

Good.

Why do you always work the Breakfast Sandwich spot?

Who makes them better Bubba? You getting two today? [I nod yes] My boy.

Where are you from?

Nearby.

Do you realize you’ve gained quite a following on campus?

Settle down now Bubba.

Campus-wide Blitz Teaches Fraternity Brother There Is No Such Thing As "Half-Consensual Sex"

Miller Andrews ’11 was in for a shock last Friday when he opened his Blitzmail inbox to find a blitz with the subject line “Sexual Assault Facts” accompanied by little emoticon vaginas on either side. Normally, Andrews deletes all blitzes sent by organizations associated with women in any way, because he lives by the phrase “Girls are for homos.” On Friday, however, he was waiting for a friend in Thayer Dining Hall and was checking his blitz at a blitz terminal to kill time, and since this was the only blitz he had received since leaving his dorm room, he had no choice but to open it in order to save face. His entire perspective changed when he read the first line: “Consensual sex is when both partners are freely and willingly agreeing, or consenting, to whatever sexual activity is occurring. Sex without consent is sexual assault/rape.” Andrews was floored. “It just didn’t make sense,” he reports. “Both people have to consent? How did I not know this before? Shouldn’t they call it mutually consensual then? Or double-consensual? I mean, it’s not like both my parents ever had to sign permission slips before I went on marching band trips in high school.” He immediately forwarded the blitz to his fraternity to let them know, only to receive responses such as, “Clean your vag, bro,” “Such a f-g,” and “Yo we should put those [vagina] pictures in our next campus blitz.”