Freshman Tries Marijuana for the First Time, Realizes he is “So Thankful for Wind”

Percy Needlenose ’13, who hails from Cleveland, Ohio, had never experimented with marijuana before Monday night. Descriptions of Percy by his various friends and acquaintances range from “kind of a prude,” to “wet blanket. Total cockblock” to “noticeably asthmatic” to “really good at macrame.” Needlenose himself was featured in a “Spotlight On” during fall term in recognition of his first-place victory at the national speed chess championship in Saint Louis last summer. In that article, he described himself as, “a true champion of social dignity. I feel it is vulgar and garish to lose control of oneself, for after all, what else do we have but our clarity of thought?” Needlenose went on to say that he plans to tirelessly work to disband the “barbaric, lawless and paganistic” Greek system and confirmed that he was, in fact, the one who reported you to the UGA last term because he smelled you smoking weed, but “those PotHead Hippies deserved it.”

Monday night, however, Needlenose had an entire about-face when he actually tried marijuana for the first time. He had just finished his first 10+ page college paper and quite possibly made as low as a B- on his final exam in Chem 5. Crushed and certain he would “never get into an American medical school now,” Needlenose turned to his floormate Justin Black for help. “Justin just always seems so laid-back, you know? He doesn’t cry when he accidentally sleeps through drill and I’ve never heard him ask our UGA to tell him the hours of all the libraries and academic buildings on campus. Once I even asked him his goal GPA’s for each term and what class he is planning to take for his culminating experience in his major, and he said he doesn’t even know what he wants to major in yet! I just felt like there was nothing left to care about in the world anymore, and I wanted to know how to forget it all for a little while like Justin. So I asked him for the big M-A-S: Mind-Altering Substances.”

Needlenose expected to permanently lose all ambition or personal investment in his own life, but he never expected the revelation that his high brought him. He immediately sent a rambling, 3500-word blitz to the Dunyun describing his newfound hope and gratitude for his life. Above all else, he kept repeating, he is “just so thankful for wind.” He lists 101 reasons why he is thankful for wind, noting that “the number 101 is just so beautiful and symmetrical and reminds me of Dalmatians which are the perfect epitome of black and white living together loving each other no boundaries a world of love and no war- you may say I’m a dreamer- but I’m not the only one- oh my god the Beatles are so good right now- it’s like I’m hearing them with my FACE.” Among the reasons Needlenose included for why he is thankful for wind: “It’s like the gentle breath of the heavens,” “It lets me know I’m alive,” “those mini leaf tornadoes,” and “It makes me stop smelling like weed on my way to food court so no one will suspect how high I am!!!!!” Needlenose lamented how many times he had complained about wind before in his life without ever stopping to consider its many good qualities, comparing it to the way he so highly underrated EBA’s pizza, which he now realizes is “the most hot amazing cheesy taste of happy ever. So slaphappy scrumdiddlyumptious. Grawsome.” The Dunyun can only assume that “grawsome” is a combination of the words “great” and “awesome.”

The change in Needlenose’s life perspective has been immediately apparent to all those around him. Black reports, “Yeah, I mean, he just bought a Guitar Hero and he lets everybody play with him, so I guess he’s a chill guy. But whenever we come over he gets really intense and weird. Sometimes he stares at the wall counting the letters of the alphabet, insisting there are ‘really 27 letters.’ Or he watches YouTube videos of people bathing their guinea pigs over and over while eating Fun Dip with his fingers.”

Needlenose has yet to find out the final grade on his exam, but he reports it no longer matters, as “Medical school is so 1995,” and he now has plans to invent a bathtub with frozen yogurt dispensers installed in it.