Students “Already Excited for Green Key”

“Happiness makes up in height for what it lacks in length.” – Robert Frost

    In a campus-wide survey awkwardly administered on your way to lunch after your 12 on Monday, students indicated that their break was good, but—more importantly—that they are excited for Green Key Weekend. 
    Green Key, which features festivals, carnivals, love-ivals, concerts and day drinking, was unanimously hailed as “the best weekend ever.”
    “I love it so much,” said Rita Rogers ’11. “I love day drinking. It’s like normal drinking, but it’s during the day, and the sun is out, and all your friends are there. It’s just… Green Key. The freshmen really have no idea what they’re in for.’
    Karyn Partridge ’13 confirmed that she has no idea what she’s in for.
    “Whenever I mention Green Key to upperclassmen, they get this far-away look in their eyes,” Partridge said. “I can’t even properly describe it. It’s like talking to a woman who’s recently been widowed. The look on her face when she thinks about her husband before she remembers that he’s dead: that’s probably the closest I can come to a good comparison.”
    Other students who were asked about the event said that they were excited for day drinking, a lack of schoolwork, day drinking, good music, and day drinking.
    Green Key will soon be declared the only officially acceptable topic of conversation for all classes for superficial conversation. Other universal topics have been how much midterms suck, how much finals suck, how excited you are for vacation, how nice it was not to have work over vacation, and how drunk you got last night. Non-universal topics that are acceptable for certain groups to discuss are corporate recruiting (juniors and seniors), internships (juniors), jobs (seniors), taps (juniors and seniors), rush (freshmen and sophomores), how much it sucks that Phi Delt burned down (Phi Delts), and different places to live and different ways to commute in New York City (douchebags). As Green Key approaches, though, all of these topics of conversation will be phased out as “the” acceptable superficial conversation. In order to give ‘13s the best information so that they may appear cool, The Dunyun will model a typical superficial conversation that may take place from now until Green Key Weekend.
    “Hey man, how’s it going?”
    “Pretty good. Can’t wait for Green Key. Shit’s so fun.”
    “Yeah, I know what you mean. It’s just so… good. Green Key.”
    “Totally. Alright, well, I’ll see you later!”
    This conversation may have minor alterations made to it, but the template should be followed fairly rigidly. Once Green Key is over, the aforementioned topics for a superficial conversation may be used again. During Green Key, if one manages to tear oneself away from day drinking, the preferred topic of conversation is Big Gulps.