Budget Cuts Force Administration to Downgrade Commencement Speaker from Boutros Boutros-Ghali to Flavor Flav

Though the commencement speaker for this year’s graduation ceremony had not yet been announced, sources within the administration reported to the Dunyun that they “had Boutros Boutros-Ghali on lock, son!” However, upon learning that the college would have to cut 100 million dollars from the budget, and following President Kim’s decision to strike a compromise with those who felt strongly that the same person who makes their Paninis could definitely not also be the one to put their waffle fries on the plate, the administration had to back out of their agreement to meet Boutros-Ghali’s speaking fee of $75,000. The former secretary-general of the United Nations commented that he regrets that he can no longer serve as the commencement speaker, but noted that he’s “all about the Benjamins, y’all.”

Ellen White, head of the Conferences and Special Events committee, confirmed the news to the Dunyun. “We’re not ones to just sit on our hands and fret about this kind of thing, though. Immediately I thought to myself: well, what does the average American do when faced with a tight budget? They go discount! Can’t afford Prada? Buy a knockoff Prado in Chinatown. So we thought, who’s the Payless version of Boutros Boutros-Ghali? That’s when it hit me: Flavor Flav!” Though the two public figures are not in the same industry and have nothing in common insofar as their resumes, their commonality of catchy double names is what sealed the deal. “Just think how fun it is to say Boutros Boutros-Ghali. Boutros Boutros Boutros. Say it to the tune of La Cucaracha! So fun. It’s the same feeling you get when you yell, Flavorrrr Flaaaav! Just fun, fun commencement speakers with super-spunky names.”

Student opinion was heavily in favor of the change. Aaron Dougherty ’10, founder of the Facebook group “JERSEY SHORE CAST FOR COMMENCEMENT,” spoke to the general student reaction: “I think it’s just great for the school. Dartmouth finally pulls their head out of their asses and gets somebody we’re actually interested in seeing. I was all for Mike a.k.a. the Situation, but Flavor Flav is just as relevant to the contemporary student’s life. Like who the f-ck is Boutros Boutros-Ghali? I thought he was some up-and-coming rapper, but then I found out he was some rando politician or something. Snoozefest. I’m getting front row seats, that’s for hella sure. Everyone I know is so psyched to get wasted for this sh-t. It’s about to go down!”

At first, Flav was a hard act to confirm, but once they offered him free lifetime entry to Club Electra, three cases of Andre, and the promise that a camera would be on him at all times, he accepted. Committee members are now working day and night to tweak the previous speech material enough to fit Flavor Flav’s style, since Flav himself says he has “trouble with words and letters and stuff” and just planned to yell “Fight the power! Yeahhh boy!” before crowd-surfing over the graduates. White explained that this speech would not take up nearly enough time, so they are providing a low-budget version of Boutros-Ghali’s speech for him. For instance, instead of discussing crisis intervention, Flav is expected to discuss pubic lice prevention. Instead of international relations, Flav will talk about his experiences with interspecies relations, including the months of deceit he endured when he accidentally dated a Yeti named Brigitte Nielsen. Rather than commenting on our nation’s handling of homeland security, Flav will speak to how to make homemade birth control, which involves cutting up balloons or putting his highly toxic mouth near a woman’s vagina. It is also reported that Flavor Flav’s sperm may or may not instantly make any woman within a foot of him permanently infertile. Though these reports are unconfirmed, the theory of evolution tends to support the idea. Finally, rather than the planned talk on how to free a country from tyranny, Flav will discuss how he once freebased cocaine with Tyra Banks.

Though Flavor Flav is essentially confirmed to deliver the commencement address on June 13th, his agent stressed to the Dunyun that he may not be able to fulfill his obligation, since he has at least four children due to be born that week.