Campus-wide Blitz Teaches Fraternity Brother There Is No Such Thing As "Half-Consensual Sex"

Miller Andrews ’11 was in for a shock last Friday when he opened his Blitzmail inbox to find a blitz with the subject line “Sexual Assault Facts” accompanied by little emoticon vaginas on either side. Normally, Andrews deletes all blitzes sent by organizations associated with women in any way, because he lives by the phrase “Girls are for homos.” On Friday, however, he was waiting for a friend in Thayer Dining Hall and was checking his blitz at a blitz terminal to kill time, and since this was the only blitz he had received since leaving his dorm room, he had no choice but to open it in order to save face. His entire perspective changed when he read the first line: “Consensual sex is when both partners are freely and willingly agreeing, or consenting, to whatever sexual activity is occurring. Sex without consent is sexual assault/rape.” Andrews was floored. “It just didn’t make sense,” he reports. “Both people have to consent? How did I not know this before? Shouldn’t they call it mutually consensual then? Or double-consensual? I mean, it’s not like both my parents ever had to sign permission slips before I went on marching band trips in high school.” He immediately forwarded the blitz to his fraternity to let them know, only to receive responses such as, “Clean your vag, bro,” “Such a f-g,” and “Yo we should put those [vagina] pictures in our next campus blitz.”


Andrews did not know who to turn to. “I thought I could lean on my brothers for support in any situation, but finding out I was a rapist was the worst moment of my life, and suddenly I had no one to turn to. I mean, sure, no guy I know would pull a stranger into an alleyway and [have sex with] her at knifepoint, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t capable of rape. It’s like, just because I don’t burn crosses on the lawn of Cutter Shabazz doesn’t mean I’m not a racist. Lightbulb!” Andrews also expressed concern at how similar the words “racist” and “rapist” sound. “Those nearly identical words are the true white man’s burden,” he explains. “I wouldn’t want anyone to think I’d engage in unfair hiring practices just because I’d put a few strokes in a chick who may or may not be conscious, and I definitely don’t want anyone to think I’d roofie some girl just because I duck and cover when I hear the name ‘Jamal.’ Come on. That name is scary!”

The blitz went on to describe real sexual assaults perpetrated against Dartmouth women, many of which involved heavy alcohol consumption, often to the point of blacking out on the part of the woman. The blitz explained that “A lack of a ‘No’ is not a ‘Yes,’” something that had never occurred to Andrews. “I thought if she couldn’t remember it, it, like, didn’t count. Like in Men in Black. Tequila is the liquid Neuralyzer, right? But apparently I could still get charged with rape! This is like that feeling you get when you accidentally shart; you know what you’re doing is maybe a little wrong, but you still think you can get away with it and be totally covered. But then you wind up ruining your favorite pants and emitting a horrible stench. Except in this case it’s the stench of being a rapist. Really not something I want on my resume.”

Andrews is seeking counseling for post-traumatic stress disorder and also wants to help educate campus on these issues. “I’m thinking that since a mass blitz worked so well for me, I could send a few of those. Disguise them as lost jacket blitzes so people actually read them. Or maybe I’ll put up anonymous signs around campus, or leave sticky notes on fraternity doors that just say ‘RAPE HAVEN,’ to really teach them a lesson.” Andrews also stressed that he went to every news outlet with this story as soon as it broke, but was turned away since “This doesn’t really qualify as news.” Luckily for him, the Dunyun will publish anything in exchange for half a pack of cigarettes and a coupon for a free tetanus shot.