Katie E. Croo Enters SA Presidential Race; Witnesses Forced to Invent Term, “Déjà Déjà vu”

    Dartmouth has an unfortunate trend of having individuals with the same name. Most of these double-named individuals manage to lead fairly dissimilar lives, thereby differentiating themselves and not leading to too many wrongly addressed morning-after blitzes. However, this rule does not apply to the several Katie E. Croos on campus. The past two Student Assembly Presidents have been named Katie E. Croo, and another Katie E. Croo has recently announced her candidacy. Lay observers on campus note the dizzy sensation that accompanies such repetition.
    “It’s like a record skipping,” said one individual who wished to remain anonymous but was eager to be interviewed. “Only instead of having the record re-play itself every couple seconds, it takes a whole year to loop back around. It’s kind of like watching an episode of Lost. I’m not really sure what year I’m in anymore.”
    In addition to their involvements in SA, the Katie E. Croos have similar extracurricular activities. Despite the fact that they are not related to each other, each of the three has claimed legacy to both KDE and the DOC Trips program. Instead of parsing through their enrollment records to verify the legacy claims, both organizations simply granted the three women entrance.
    The most recent Katie E. Croo, who is running on the platform of “Triple Take,”* said that her predecessors have inspired her and left very large footprints for her to follow.
    “You know when you’re walking through the snow and you’re not wearing boots and you step in somebody else’s footprints who’s walked there before you?” Croo asked The Dunyun. “That’s basically what I’m hoping to do with this campaign. Only because somebody else has already walked in the footprints besides the original person to make the footprints, there’s really a lot of wiggle room for me to walk without having to get my feet wet.”
    Croo was also quick to reassure The Dunyun that she is not the same person as Katie E. What-gravestones-are-made-of, despite the similarity in the first parts of their names.
    “If somebody tells you they’re voting for Katie E., make sure you interrogate them to ensure that they’re voting for the purebred Katie E., which is me: Katie E. Croo.”
    Instead of polling the public to gauge their opinion, The Dunyun sent its reporters to scour Bored@Baker to see how Croo’s campaigning strategies were working. One reporter found a post saying simply, “THREEPEAT! THREEPEAT! THREEPEAT!” although this may have referred to an alleged gay threesome that was going to be run back for a total of three times that night in the stacks.
    Coming up in the next issue of The Dunyun: the effects of dyed hair on voting trends. From one young voter: “Look, if McCain had dyed his hair purple a few months before the election and then dyed it back, I totally would have voted for him. The rainbow of color somehow exudes confidence and capability.”
*Other campaign slogans that were thrown around as catchphrases for the Croo campaign were, “Run back the run back,” “Threedux,” “Me three,” and “Andrew Wilson, brother of Owen and Luke.”