Rarely Used Resource Known as "Common Courtesy" Determined to be Expendable

In a blitz sent out this morning, President Kim announced the College's decision to cut common courtesy from the budget. When the idea was first proposed by Acting Provost Carol Folt, the administration came under fire for the term's perceived ambiguity. In response, the President's office issued a statement saying, "'Common courtesy' is an umbrella term, which we use to include everything from looking Friday's hookup in the eye, to thanking the people who swipe your card, to sustaining a conversation with someone who won't promote your social standing."

The statement went on to say that in a recent survey on "The Dartmouth Experience," distributed by What Matters to Me Me Me I I I Me Me Me, common courtesy came in dead last across the board, preceded narrowly by small student-professor ratios and Study Abroad Programs. Said Kim, "There was no way we were going to do away with things like Chicken Mondays. After all, our food services really are the pride of our undergraduate experience." A representative of Student Assembly could not be reached for comment on the survey because the Assembly has been in an emergency summit since last week regarding the insurgence of laminated construction paper signs on Webster Avenue. Added Kim, "It's good to see that students know what's really important, and are taking action to defend their beliefs."

Head of Dartmouth Saves the Environment, Sam Buckingham, '11, agreed. "Saying 'Hi' to every Tripee, and girl we met during rush on a daily basis uses more energy than we realize. If we instead channeled that energy into something more productive, like, say, playing Frisbee, we'd be a much more Sustainable campus." Added Buckingham, "The first step toward conserving energy is prioritizing. Start big. Choose ten people you're going to acknowledge. I mean, outside of your frat (The Nod stays). Then gradually pare it down from there, based on how Facetimey those people are. After you have fazed them out of human interaction, feel free to delete them as friends on Facebook. This creates more oxygen for things like status updates and reduces your virtual footprint."

When pressed for their reactions to the administration's decision to eliminate common courtesy from the budget, many students responded curtly that they would rather not comment, as they had "deleted that blitz." In fact, most actually ignored the Dunyun reporter completely, choosing instead to smile vaguely at their screensavers and pretend they were deaf.

Some, however, reacted strongly to this news. Tina Morris, '12, a Collis Info Desk employee, expressed great joy; saying "Does this mean I can finally start shanking people when they come to pick up their Black Northfaces?? Shit, I need to go sharpen my knife!"

Other reactions were not as enthusiastic. SigEp goodwill ambassador Johnny H. Croo, '10, feared for the complete disappearance of niceness on Dartmouth campus, and with it, the relevance of his fraternity.

But most did not seem to care whether common courtesy was cut. In fact, students did not know the meaning of the term, having either not paid attention long enough to find out what it was, or forgotten its meaning on purpose. Said Lacey Greer, '11, "Common courtesy just isn't a Dartmouth thing. It's not like Trips. You know?" We could not finish our interview with Greer because the rightful owner of her seat on 3FB returned and proceeded to bludgeon her with his backpack full of cement.

Meanwhile, signs of the cut are already noticeable across campus. Salad shaking has reached a crescendo in Collis, and DDS employees have started wearing lab goggles to avoid airborne Craisins. In the Hop, a senior was seen composing her honor's thesis at the blitz terminal. Pre-med students have been spotted slashing the bike tires of their Orgo classmates. And the Sun God has actually started filming a porno starring himself on the Green, "in the name of love."

-Daria Morgendorffer, '12