Shocking Study Reveals That Being Featured on the Dartmouth Homepage Leads to Depression and Substance Abuse

    Dartmouth, like any other college, has many students who struggle with depression. For years, researchers have searched for a common link that may inform doctors on the treatment of the disease and, hopefully, how to prevent it. This search has been futile until recently, when a team working at Dartmouth-Hitchcock Medical Center discovered the missing link. Any student who is featured on the Dartmouth homepage will soon find him- or herself struggling with existential anxiety, depression, substance abuse, and a host of other problems. One leading theory, proposed by Roger Morton, a psychologist at DHMC, is that once an individual has been featured on the homepage, there is “nothing left to live for.”
    According to Morton, being featured in a picture on the Dartmouth homepage is “the holy grail” of achievements for a Dartmouth undergraduate.
    “All of the depressed students at Dartmouth that I’ve interviewed have said that the homepage was the last time they were truly happy,” said Morton. “It was something that they wished for ever since they were a prospective student. Everything else that they did in school was somehow angled towards getting on the homepage. People try out for varsity teams because they might get featured. People apply for Croos because they might get featured. They actually go to class because they might get featured. They’re in performing arts groups because they might get featured. The list goes on and on.”
    “And then,” continued Morton, “Once they’ve been on the homepage, what incentive do they have for being part of those organizations? For looking presentable? For staying healthy? It’s a vicious cycle.”
    The Dunyun managed to interview several individuals who had appeared on the Dartmouth homepage, although all of the interviewed students wished to remain anonymous, because “[they’re] not worth the trouble of mentioning [their] name.”
    One student, a member of the Class of 2010, said that she had been on track for success when her picture appeared on the homepage.
    “I was captain of my varsity sport,” she said. “Well-respected in my sorority. Even managed to be on Lodj Croo. Lots of accomplishments, lots of friends. And then I ended up on the Dartmouth homepage for taking Alcohol and Addiction Medicine last spring. I had no accomplishments left. And I couldn’t even continue the activity that got me there. Once that class was over, every other thing I did just seemed kind of pointless. Like, what’s the point of the hours if you’re not going to get recognized for it? I know that’s selfish, but it’s how I feel.”
    Another individual, a member of the Class of 2013, said that he was uncertain how he was going to survive the next four years of college.
    “I ended up on the Dartmouth homepage for shaking the President’s hand at Matriculation,” he said. “Or fist-bumping, whatever. I didn’t even know that it was such a big deal. But then, in conversation, everybody I talked to would only talk to me about that. I’d try to talk about my classes, this girl I had a crush on, but people would just say, ‘Man, I saw you on the homepage!’ After the two-week cycle ended and the picture got changed, nobody even talked to me anymore. And I’m pretty sure I heard some ’10 call me a ‘has-been’ and try to cover it up with a cough.”
    It is during times like this that The Dunyun is thankful that its extracurricular activities will never land its staff on the homepage.