Student Reports Incident of Elusive Female Orgasm on Dartmouth Campus, Falls in “Love”

A shocking report of a true blue non-auto-induced female orgasm hit campus early Saturday morning after Maggie Turner ’13 experienced her very first climax during sexual intercourse with Dan Bailey ’11. Immediately following the awkward early-morning search for her bra, Turner trudged home at dawn to blitz out to all of her friends about it. “I was as shocked as anyone,” Turner says. “I mean, I was beginning to think that it didn’t really exist. I certainly don’t know anyone who’s ever had a real one, you know, the whole toe-curling, pillow-biting kit and caboodle.” Turner says her friends were “so jealous, and a little bit skeptical. You could pick it up in the ellipses that they didn’t believe me. Like, one of them asked if I was sure I didn’t pee and another one said ‘Pics or it didn’t happen.’ Well, if I could feel like that from pissing I would constantly drink coffee and beer, that’s all I’m saying.”

Friends of Turner’s report that the two have known each other since her freshman fall, when her ass met his crotch at Gammapalooza and they introduced themselves to each other a few hours later. At first she “wasn’t that interested” in Bailey, because he was “kind of a jerk” and called her “Sweet mama” on several occasions when he may or may not have forgotten her name. Turner’s best friend Cathy Jenkins even cited an instance in which Bailey sent a picture of his penis to Turner’s cell phone: “Just cock and balls. No warning. Cock and balls! At 9 in the morning! Seriously?” However, the stunning turn of events came about on Friday night after Turner made a string of particularly poor decisions and eventually found herself outside of Psi Upsilon fraternity at 2 A.M., furiously texting Bailey, “Code whjat? hEre” and “I want you so hard right now dad” [sic] until she finally gained entrance. Though Turner admits she expected “to hook up or something,” she never saw the full-body “coregasm” coming, so to speak.

After last weekend, Turner has shown a renewed interest in Bailey, texting him at all hours of the day about mundane thoughts that cross her mind and even surprising him for his “half-half birthday” with crème brulée she made herself. She reports to the Dunyun that Bailey “is just a really great guy. I’m in love. He’s good with dogs and he is passionate about other stuff too, like dental hygiene. Did you know he’s never had a cavity? And he uses Arm & Hammer peroxide toothpaste. He’s just so interesting! I think he went skiing almost every other weekend during the winter! My parents would totally love him.” She is quick to note that she is by no means “ready for marriage or anything,” but that she does have their future children’s names picked out just in case.

This is the first time that such an elusive legend has been reported on the Dartmouth campus since the sad passing of J.D. Salinger in January. When reached for comment on the story, Bailey told the Dunyun that the names Xan and Fawn Bailey are “really fucking stupid,” but “that girl Molly is pretty hot.” He then gave himself a high five.