Student Sexiled Into Inner Room Wonders If There Is Anything Worse

“Hell hath no fury like a roommate trapped.” – William Congreve, paraphrased

    On Monday night, Gregory Dunlop ’11 was awakened by the sound of his room’s door slamming shut. Dunlop, who lives in the inner room of a two-room double in Gile, at first thought that the sound was only the return of his roommate, Josh Martin ’11. Dunlop was just about to yell out to Martin when he heard a female voice on the other side of the door.
    “They say the first reaction is often the best one,” said Dunlop. “And my first reaction was, ‘fuck.’ Turns out that that was the right one on so many different levels.”
    After hearing the female voice, Dunlop realized what was about to happen and searched for the supplies he had purchased before the term started to deal with such problems. His noise-canceling headphones and empty Vitamin Water bottles, however, were nowhere to be seen.
    “Josh has kind of a problem with bringing home [girls of questionable attractiveness and/or moral character], so I figured I’d just get some headphones and leave some empty bottles around the room, and I’d be cool. But what do I do? I leave the headphones in the outer room, and recycle the fucking bottles in the hallway. I deserve whatever comes my way for being such a n00b.”
    What happened next can only be described as pure torture. The seemingly unending stream of grunts, moans, groans, pants, gasps, shouts, screams, faps, squeaks, and exclamations drove Dunlop so crazy that he debated jumping out of his second-floor window to escape the noise.
    “I figured that if I hung from the ledge, it would only be like a ten foot drop. That’s not so bad. Might mess up my ankle, but that was a price I was willing to pay.”
    When asked why he did not walk through the outer room or ask the couple to be quieter, Dunlop just shook his head.
    “Either I walk through and have to see that shit and end up cockblocking my roommate, or I ask them to be quiet, which still cockblocks my roommate. No go.”
    When asked for comment, Martin only reassured The Dunyun that the girl was of acceptable attractiveness.
    “One, dude. One. Don’t try to tell me otherwise,” Martin said.
    At 4:32 a.m., the girl, who has still not been identified, left Martin’s room, presumably to walk back to her room. As soon as the door closed, Dunlop jumped out of the back room and berated Martin.
    “Yeah, he called me an asshole or something,” Martin said. “Can’t remember too much, but he was pissed. Couldn’t really figure out why. Probably just jealous that he didn’t get any.”
    Upon hearing of such an infringement on human rights, The Dunyun consulted members of the Philosophy Department to ascertain if there is actually anything worse. As of press time, no worse alternatives had been found.