Panarchists Permanently Blackballed from the Babysitting Industry

In a move that many view as a long time coming and others consider “total narc bullshit,” the National Association of Babysitters (slogan: “Say hello to your little friends”) announced yesterday that they would no longer accept any applicants who are shown to have ever been a member of Panarchy at Dartmouth. Linda Doolittle, the organization’s spokesperson, explained, “Don’t think we don’t know what’s going on in there!” The NABs already conduct a basic search of the national sex offender registry during their hiring process, but this new additional background check is meant to “keep out any other criminal ruffians disguised as Dudley Do-Right Ivy Leaguers in an effort to keep the children of this nation safe from debauchery.”

The news comes as a terrible surprise for Lorelei Owens ‘10, who had been depending on her various babysitting jobs as well as her part-time dancing job at Club Electra for extra income. “I like that both kinds of jobs usually pay cash. That way I always have a pretty constant source of drug money. I don’t really know what I’m gonna do now without the babysitting dough, but maybe I could rob Gusanoz again sometime.” Other resourceful Panarchists are planning to start a roller derby league, while a creative few have plans to shave the heads of anyone who passes out after Gatsby and sell their hair on the black market.

The decision follows several instances of babysitting mishaps on the part of Panarchy members and alums, including one instance in which Mary Allen ’11 brought the four-year-old boy she was babysitting to the Panarchy Rave. Allen explains, “Here’s the thing. When I’m on E, it’s like, the greatest feeling of joy in the world, and I can’t remember feeling like that since I was little and my friends told me I could be the president of our Titanic club because I was the one who fake-kissed the poster of Leo the best. Seeing that little man with his pacifier, surrounded by all those supremely joyous cats rolling outta control with all their own pacifiers, it hit me: like, why not combine those two highs for exponential delight potential? Oh shit, that’d be such a good song lyric!” Allen’s ill-laid plan ended with Hanover Police finding the child asleep on a couch under a pile of colorful pipe cleaners and lost jackets at 1 A.M. when Panarchy’s fire alarm went off for the thirty-eighth time this year. Other similar incidents include Lily Goodall ’12 sending the seven-year-old boy under her care through Theta Delta’s dog door to recover a stolen composite and Bitsy Canfield ’10 leaving a child in an old refrigerator for at least six hours for reasons that cannot be printed due to an ongoing court case.

Many members of Panarchy do not take the threats from the NABs seriously. “We are all well-aware that [the NABs] are a group that subscribes to a matriarchal system of oppression” says Horace Stillman, who would say that. They intend to bring their complaints to the ACLU due to the NABs’ alleged unfair sexist hiring practices which favor young women over men, just as soon as they finish that blunt.

Though the Dunyun has previously shied away from covering stories about Panarchy because it’s hard to exaggerate about a house that legitimately made and sold crack out of its basement, we felt the Sun God’s attention whoredom should go unanswered for at least a day.