Male-on-Male Sex Not Necessarily Homosexual

“You know how I know you’re gay? I saw you make a spinach dip in a loaf of sourdough bread once.” -40 Year-Old Virgin

Evidence has been reported in the past few years indicating that, at least in the Dartmouth community, male-on-male sexual intercourse or fellatio does not in fact qualify as homosexual. In fact, case reports have shown that strictly limiting interaction with or even acknowledgement of women, necessitating high rates of bro-on-bro action, has led to a culture in which acts previously considered “gay” are now just “fratty.”

John Blutarsky ’11 explains the logic behind the developing trend. “There are plenty of things that make you gay. Like throwing like a girl, drinking flirtinis, and not having the balls to have a pledge term. But indulging in a little mutual dick-wetting now and then doesn’t make you gay.”

Many young men even go so far as to assert that only a truly masculine and heterosexual man could have the emotionless apathy required to be comfortable with engaging in meaningless male-on-male fellatio. McHenry Patrick ’10, a member of Blutarsky’s fraternity, is one proponent of the idea that showing such utter disregard for who your sexual partner is in the pursuit of a blowjob “proves nothing but that to whom the mouth belongs is irrelevant compared to your need to get that nut. Ever heard the term, ‘A hole is a hole?’ So fratty.” The sheer masculinity of such total apathy and achievement of never having to even talk to women should qualify as an extreme kind of heterosexuality, according to Blutarsky. “I’ve been hooking up with at least half the pledges in my fraternity for the past two years, and then I make them do a circle jerk together and dome themselves. Not only am I not gay, but that definitely was not gay.”

In the past, men and especially fraternity brothers have already engaged in what the typical member of the bro species call “dick touching,” a term for sexual interludes with the same female partner. Blutarsky explains, “If you f*ck the same chick, you’re essentially touching dicks with another dude. Think about it. You’re going where a lot of men have gone before.” Blutarsky estimates that by the end of fall term, all the “prime collector’s items have already hooked up with so many of your bros. Sloppy seconds. Dick-touching galore.”

Patrick explains how it was this trend that inevitably led to so much homosexual sex between 100% straight men. “It’s only logical to take out the middle man and just touch dicks directly. That way you don’t have to be a member of the carpet industry, if you know what I mean, which can a little too intimidatingly compl—uhh, gross and wet, or god forbid hairy!”

Patrick’s ex-girlfriend, when reached for comment by the Dunyun, confirmed, “McHenry’s probably not gay. But he is really, really, really terrible at sex. McHenry, if you’re reading this, first off, I’m not made of asphalt so the jackhammer move doesn’t work. And I’m also not a goddamn finger puppet.”

Unfortunately, the Dunyun could not interview many of its sources as they were all busy writing on Bored at Baker.