Evan Brechter ’13 was thrilled to be selected to this year’s dimensions team. Since he wasn’t in an a capella group, an improv group or the president of his class, all usual pre-requisites for the dimensions team, he didn’t think he stood much of a chance. To compensate for his lack of talent, he gained admission to the group that hyped themselves up as “more selective than Cornell” by spending twelve hours crafting a ten-page application complete with pie charts detailing his strengths and a list of his family’s legacies at Dartmouth.
While most members of the dimensions crew were excited for the opportunity to share their love for Dartmouth with prospective students, Brechter had a different goal, to hook up with a prospie. He explained his reasoning, “This is what Dimensions is all about, reinventing yourself as a more desirable person and tricking unsuspecting prospies into liking you.”
Brechter developed an elaborate scheme to “score some hot ’14 ass”, starting with his alter ego, Thurston Wheeler VI. “I wanted to give the impression right away that I’m a big deal. I threw on a button down and visor since girls really dig douchy guys.”
Victoria Cherry ‘14* was immediately drawn to “Howell” because “He’s from Connecticut and I'm pretty sure he went to boarding school.” The two hit it off and spent Thursday engaging in romantic activities such as getting lost, eating doughnuts at the government department open house and sitting on WGST 47 “Passionate Lovemaking”.
“Wheeler’s Cousin”, Frank Kane ’12, who is “in a frat”, even got them on table for some Thursday night pong. Unfortunately their night was cut short when Cherry’s host claimed that she was “going to bed and not waiting up to let my slutty prospie into the room.”
Friday offered similar flirting but no definite opportunities for a hookup. However, when they arrived at the “dean’s talk”, where Brechter was supposed to out himself as a ’13, Cherry brushed her hand across Brechter’s leg and said sensually, “I think this talk is going to be lame. Lets head back to my host’s room and find out what Dartmouth is really all about.”
Brechter knew if he didn’t act then he would lose his chance altogether, “If I had jumped up on stage at that point, she would’ve though I was really weird, creepy and definitely gay.” He made his move and headed for Mid Mass.
Blaire Ferree ’12, the leader of Dimensions team, was outraged at his decision, “We spent three weeks devising witty songs and energetic dances to try to convince over 700 ‘14s to come to Dartmouth and he just ruins it to maybe get to second base with some borderline attractive prospie.”
Brandon Zhang ’13, a fellow member of the Dimension, couldn’t fault Brechter for the move, “I mean, he’s on Dimensions, do you really think he’s getting any?”
Brechter reflected on his decision, “It was kind of awkward later when I took off my sweatshirt and was wearing a skin-tight Dartmouth body suit with a green tutu, but she shook it off when I took it off. I’ll also probably get dung from Sig Ep and Alpha Chi but that’s just the price of poon sometimes. I finally told her I was a ’13 when we finished and she seemed fine with it. I'm doing my part to fill up the Class of 2014.”
*Cornell Class of 2014 as of 10:48 Friday night
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