College Cuts Econ Dept to Slow Spread of Douchiness on Campus

In a surprise move announced over the weekend, the College has cut the Economics department. Although the reasons were deemed as budgetary, sources inside Parkhurst admit that it was to slow the spread of "douchiness" on campus.

The move came in response to GQ Magazine naming Dartmouth the 15th douchiest school in the nation, only one spot behind Brown. President Kim allegedly responded, saying "Steps must be taken, there is no way my alma mater is going to be the least douchy school of the ivies."

The College quietly began these cuts last month by not letting freshman into any Economics courses for spring term. In an editorial, the freshman class president Andrew Kartsonis advocated for his class, "This is completely unacceptable. Just like every class before us, we came to Dartmouth to wear topsiders with colorful pastel pants, play some club volleyball and take econ courses. There's no reason we should be deprived of the Dartmouth Experience. "

Some students were in favor of the move. Sally Shuster '12 said, "I saw this coming a few weeks ago. I was at SAE and this guy just came up to me and told me that he had a large supply of externalities and he hoped that I demanded them...in my mouth. Wonder where he came up with that line?"

Maryann Chapman '13 was equally disturbed when she was approached by a brother who told her, "I have a monopoly in my pants. It's one large firm that wants to dominate your industry."

Classics Professor Hamlet Prendergast also lauded the move, "This is essentially going to do what distributives have been doing for years, force students to take classes like mine instead of classes they actually want to take."

Many alumni quickly came out against the cuts. Over fifty alumni attended a Golf Tournament organized at Westchester Country Club called "(witty economics golf tournament name)". Eugene Stokes '07, a derivatives trader at Deutsche Bank, told The Dunyun, "This never would've happened under Jim Wright. I don't know what I would've done without the Econ department. I'd probably be in Med School, the Peace Corps, or even worse, Teach for America."

Students quickly moved to oppose the cut, forming the group "Students Stand with Ibanking". The group denies any relationship between the Economics Department and a "general air of douchiness on campus", instead treating it as a purely budgetary matter. The group instead suggested cutting other alternative programs such as DOC Trips, Foreign Study Programs or Winter Carnival, which they deemed a smaller part of the "Dartmouth Experience" than the economics department.

The group also started sending out IB2U daily updates complete with the group's progress, the latest stock quotes, tips on when to round a GPA and suggestions on the best selections from the spring Brooks Brothers catalog.

Tilford Sprague '11, "Managing Director" of SSWI, discussed the implications of the move on his future, "Without the Econ department, I'm not going to get a job at a bulge bracket, I'm not going to get into business school, and I'm definitely not going to start my own hedge fund by age 35, what's the point in even coming to Dartmouth?"

A spokesman for the college responded to the criticism, "Anyone who uses the term 'bulge bracket' probably should not be at Dartmouth."

Meanwhile, signs of the cuts are already beginning to appar. Students can now be seen carrying multiple copies of the Wall Street Journal and The Economist with them wherever they go because, as Jacob Merriweather '11 put it, "Now that I can't call myself an econ major, I need some other concrete proof that I'm smart."


- Jayson Doubleday '13