Girl Executes Elusive Friend Group Change

Christy Jacobs ’13 had made it through her first two terms at Dartmouth and by the standard measures, she was doing great. She was making good grades thanks to her early mastery of the NRO, was in the Decibelles, was an above-average pong player and was, as Steven Safari ’13 put it, “fucking hot”.

However Jacobs felt that something was missing and it wasn’t until her spring break trip to visit her bff at Middlebury that she identified the problem, her friend group. 

Jacobs explained the predicament, “I really don’t know how it happened. I got back from trips, went to lunch with this girl on my hall and the next thing I knew I was in a friend group with five borderline attractive ‘nice’ girls from the Midwest.” She classified her friends as “a total drain on my social capital” and added “only one of them got more than two agrees when I posted their name followed by DTF? on Bored@Baker and I think even that was because people think Sally is a lesbian.” She set a goal, new friends by First Year Family Weekend.

Jacobs quickly disassociated with her old friend group by hooking up with Guy Patterson ’13, whom one of her friends had been dating since orientation at the Heorot highlighter party. Although Patterson defended her, saying, “Whoever said you don’t need to drink to have fun, has clearly never been to a Heorot dance party”, Jacobs was still excommunicated from the friend group. 

Jacobs set some parameters in her search for new friends, “They need to be from Connecticut, New York or a small town I haven’t heard of just outside of Boston, like Nahant. Also its preferable that at least three of them went to boarding school and at least one of them should have an older sister in a sorority on campus.”

After realizing that anyone who met her criteria already belonged to a friend group, Jacobs began seeking creative ways to break into established friend groups. She tried sitting with girls at random tables in Foco but only drew strange looks. She attempted to strike up conversations on the elliptical but was met with only a readjustment of headphones and a blank stare forward. She even tried putting on spandex and sneaking into KDE tails.

It took over two weeks before she hatched the perfect plan. She sent a recipient suppressed blitz to Bridget Hourihan ’13 about a “TRIPPEE REUNION TONIGHT!!!!”. When none of their other trippees arrived at Molly’s, as they had not been invited, Jacobs used the opportunity to make inroads with her forgotten trippee. 

Over the next week she learned all she could about Hourihan’s friends, whom they were hooking up with, whom the douchebag guys were that they hated and most importantly, their favorite clothing brands. Hourihan decided that Jacobs met the prerequisites of her friend group since she had hooked up with more than one but less that six guys in a-side houses, had not hooked up with any freshman boys, and had blonde hair, and thus gave her a tryout. After a week of careful assimilation, Jacobs sealed the deal by when she was invited to a friend group only pregame, where she received a decorated cup with her name on it, and later did lines of coke with them off a toilet seat in Panarchy. She recounts the fateful moment; “at that point, I knew I was in, just in time to introduce them to my parents.”

Sociology professor Martha Ballard, who studies freshman girl relationship dynamics, called the move “unheard of”, explaining “usually after homecoming, a girl is completely locked into her friend group until rush, when she is legally allowed to abandon all of her friends who fail to make it into KDE, Kappa or Tri Delt. You almost never see a move like this so late in freshman year.”

At press time, Jacobs could not be reached for further comment because she was locked in her room asking herself, “What have I done? They’re all bitches.”