Admitted '14s Draw Mixed Reviews

    Last Thursday, the Admissions office admitted the College's Class of 2014, creating an overall air of excitement around campus, especially among the '13 boys.
After months of rejection from Dartmouth females, '13 boys will have a new class of women to work their charm on.
    "I'm tired of being at the bottom of the food chain," said psychologically and sexually frustrated '13 Joey Marx. "As long as I get into an A-side frat next year, I'll have my pick of freshman girls who will be clamoring just to get 3rds on my dick."    Marx, along with other members of the '13 male population, has been scoping the Class of 2014 Facebook group in order to get a read on the attractiveness of the incoming class of females. "I'm seeing some real potential in these prof pics," stated Kevin Camden, a '13. "Although I'm worried about the decreasing acceptance rate... I've heard for each .1 increase in a girl's GPA, she will be 10% less likely to be DTF."
    Camden is a member of the Dimensions Crew, and revealed to the Dunyun that he plans to begin relations with '14 girls over Dimensions weekend. "I'm gonna lay some serious groundwork. I'll definitely impress them with my ability to order confidently in the Foco grill line and to make up moderately funny new lyrics to popular songs such as Tik Tok."
    Conversely, '13 girls expressed disappointment at the fact that the '14s will be commanding attention in basements next fall. Tori Wells explained her plan to make the most of her last term as a freshman girl. Wells plans to "get as much facetime in basements as possible" this spring, "while people will still notice me." Other girls across campus have followed suit in making the most of their remaining time as freshmen girls by donning short sundresses and shorts and maximizing skin exposure on the green. Contrary to popular belief, the unseasonably warm weather has had no effect on their change in wardrobe.
    "I'd be out here even if it were 40 degrees," said Saunders, who wore a bikini top and ripped jean shorts while sitting on the green last Saturday.    
    Mary Rowlandson '11 sympathized with worried '13 girls. "I totally know what they are going through right now. I remember when the '12s came I felt like they took over every basement on campus. I couldn't turn around at reds without hearing some '13 saying 'I heard there's urine in this.' When I went to TDX, I felt like I didn't know anyone there.  I had to join KDE and wear brightly colored clothing just to get noticed again."
     One '13 girl, however, looked forward to the relief that becoming an upperclassmen will bring. "It's just like, really hard when guys will not stop hitting on me! I hate getting in those awkward situations, you know?" said Jenna Lisbon'13. The Dunyun's sources also confirmed that Lisbon is "readily DTF" and "has no female friends."
     When asked about the preference for upperclassmen versus '13s, Wells explained: "They are just so mysterious... like once when I was hooking up with this Chi Gam '10, he passed out. So obviously, I looked at his phone. It had all these texts from some other girl on it. Weird, right? But I like that he keeps me guessing. Plus he's taking me to formal!" Wells explained to the Dunyun that she avoids '13 males because they are "too nice and available. Once this guy from my seminar walked me home when I was drunk. Then he blitzed me the next day asking if I was feeling all right and if I wanted to go to Homeplate brunch. Um, clingy!"
    Although Dean of Admissions Julie Savorski praises the Class of 2014 for their "brains, diversity, and enthusiasm," most '13s are concerned with something else the new first-years will command, attention.

- Katie Empacher '13