Student’s Pregnancy Scare Alert Level Raised from Code Yellow to Code Orange

Authorities officially raised the pregnancy scare alert level for Penelope Hancock ’12 from Code Yellow to Code Orange today, prompting her to blitz out to her sorority to ask, “So who wants to go to CVS with me for the ol’ First Response (yes…again lol)?” Sources confirm that while most winter pledges assumed this message to be an obvious case of blitzjack, those who were active in the fall knew full well that she wasn’t kidding.

Sandy Pope ’12 confirms that there is a high threat of impending childbirth. “It’s nothing new, really. She was my freshman roommate and this happened like every six weeks at least. It got to the point where she wanted to throw a public period party for herself when she got that monthly reassurance that her bad decisions were once again met with silence from the karma gods.” Though attendance was reportedly sparse at said “period parties,” Pope tells the Dunyun that everyone who attended the Love March was definitely also there. “She’s the one who helped the Sun God organize his sad band of followers, actually. She blitzed out to campus about her creepy party like twice a day for three days and somehow identified this golden list of people who will really attend any event that’s blitzed out about often enough.” The members of this “golden list” are rumored to include every member of Active Minds, AGORA, and XS Crew.

The scare level was previously at Yellow since Hancock engaged in sexual intercourse at least four days before she was supposed to be ovulating. A proponent of the rhythm method, Hancock explains that this timing assured her “that I was definitely probably not likely to get pregnant.” She assures the Dunyun that her partner “is a really good guy” who, though probably unprepared for fatherhood, “has a house in the Berkshires. I don’t even know where that is exactly, but I think it means he’s rich, so like, if worse comes to worst, you know, it’s not like it’s KFed.” When pressed, Hancock would neither confirm nor deny that she had ever had a pregnancy scare with Kevin Federline as well.

Though Hancock seemed confident her womb would get off tot-free, her pregnancy scare alert level was raised today in light of the fact that she is now officially five days past the date of expected menstruation. Though this lateness would be cause for concern for many, Hancock is not fazed. “I mean, I used to get scared when Flo was tardy for the party, but I’ve been through this enough now that I feel like I’m probably barren or something. At least that’s what I’m counting on! Being maybe-pregnant is kind of like riding a bike without training wheels: at first you feel totally terrified and like you have no control over anything, but eventually you get used to it and you just ride that thing without a thought about what could happen!”

The alert level will not be elevated to Code Red until Hancock gets positive results from two pregnancy tests, at which point her pregnancy will be considered an immediate threat to herself and all those who come into contact with her. Readers are forewarned not to share cigarettes or alcohol with Hancock in the case of a Code Red situation.

Previous partners of Hancock’s could not be readily identified, though when a Dunyun reporter yelled her full name in the waiting room at Dick’s house, several male students looked visibly shaken and some were moved to place their heads in their hands, while at least two or three others were seen holding their groins as well.

When reached for comment, Hancock’s parents effusively praised their “little girl” for being “all grown up now. Did you know that she was the third-best trombone player in the state? Oohh, you should print that.” Though on first thought this information did not seem relevant, we then had a second thought.