'13 Turns Down Opportunity to Hook Up with '10

Kendrick Monroe '13 awoke eagerly Wednesday morning, excited to tell both his friends and The Dunyun about his exploits from the night before.

From his perch on the back of a chair in the Hop, finishing up his second breakfast bomb, Monroe recounted his glorious achievements from the prior night when he "totally could've hooked up with the hottest '10 in KDE."

This is only the most recent incredible opportunity that Monroe has allegedly turned down this year. He also "totally could've walked onto the tennis or football team" and "beaten all those dbags who ran for president" had he chosen to do so. 

He recounted the fateful night, "It had already been a crazy, late night. I went 3-0 in pong, standard. I think it was at Phi Delt. My friends went to get some mozz sticks at foco but I'm on this new protein and fruit only diet so I decided to head back to the Choates. I was walking by KDE and there was a sick party going on, so I couldn't help but stop by."

KDE social chair Elizabeth Perkins '11 confirmed that there were "between ten and fifteen people in the basement at the time".

After ten minutes and three doors, Monroe encountered a couple leaving and slipped inside. He checked the line on the tables, 4s and 5s, and had just sent out a mass text "need 1. nxt @ kde @ now" when Alexandra McBride '10 caught his eye. "She was definitely an 8 or 9, wearing only gold spandex and a tank top. When she saw me, she kicked the dbag '10 she was playing with off table and invited me to join."

Sarah Vulpe '11 witnessed this exchange, "Her partner booted on the table, tried to clean it up using the paddle, hugged her, booted again and then slipped in his own vomit while going upstairs to 'do us all a favor and Good Sam himself.'"

Quickly moving on to the pong game, Monroe recalled, "We started out strong when they sunk their first serve but we couldn't close. I can only carry a team so far with my clutch sinks and almost one of the best saves of my career. As hot as Alex was, she was that bad at pong. I wasn't worried about it though, I'm pretty sure the girls we played won Masters for KDE last summer."

One of Kendrick's opponents, Neale Walton '12, was unimpressed by his play, "He seemed lost like he had never played before. However, he was the first person I've ever seen knock over an entire tree on a failed throw save."

Monroe dismissed the game as an "off night" and moved on to the most exciting part of his story, "After the game, I gave her phone back because she had to 'make a call' and she stepped outside, but she told me not to go anywhere. I knew what was up so I tried to slip out past her and get back to my dorm. You see I have a really hot girlfriend who goes to Middlebury, like almost a 10, and I didn't want to screw it up."

Quinn Wallace '13, who attended Monroe's high school, described his girlfriend as a "3, zero on the binary."

"I walked past her and she yelled at me to come back with some stupid line like 'you have something I want', like I don't hear that one all the time. I just shouted 'taken' and went into the Choates" Monroe continued. "I just sent her a morning after blitz to explain the whole situation. She hasn't responded but I understand, it must be embarrassing getting shut down by a '13 like that."

When asked for comment on the situation, McBride simply said, "He was holding my wallet in his pocket."

-Jayson Doubleday '13