Charity Organizations Compete for Bake Sale Supremacy

It was an ugly scene in Novack Café on Sunday evening when a glitch in the college's scheduling system allowed a record eight campus organizations to set up food sales in the lobby at the base of the stairs.

Signs of the impending conflict began to appear in the mid-afternoon when students' inboxes began to fill up with blitzes about "Tonight in Novack!?!?!?!", "YOU Can Help Cure Cancer", and "CUPCAKES FOR DIABETES!" Most students simply deleted these messages, as they do with all recipient repressed blitzes.

Bake sales have long been a staple of Dartmouth College philanthropy. Although usually less successful than grilled cheese or taco sales on frat row, since students are less likely to be blacked out on a Sunday afternoon in Novack, bake sales still effectively capitalize on students' inability to equate DA$H to actual money.

Delta Delta Delta Sorority was the first to set up, occupying one of the three available tables with an array of break-and-bake cookies, fun sized candy bars, and assorted Little Debbie snacks. When asked her reasons for leading the bake sale, Carrie Blum '12 responded, "Apparently being in a national sorority means you have to do this kind of shit."

This lack of enthusiasm did not impact the demand for the "baked" goods. A swarm of '13 girls immediately surrounded the table, asking about the different treats and telling Blum "how great it is that you're doing this". The average girl took fifteen minutes before paying $8 for a fun sized Snickers that she "will probably just throw away" since she "doesn't eat candy and really only cares about curing cancer!"

 When Kappa Kappa Gamma sorority set up at the adjacent table with an equally impressive supply of baked goods and a large sign reading "Help TDX Save the Whales", demand for both baked sales abruptly dried up. When asked why she left upon the arrival of KKG, Maye Glisson '13 answered, "I didn't want to give either sorority the wrong impression, like I was playing favorites. They're all such nice girls and I honestly love both houses!"

Space soon became an issue when the Coalition to End Poverty and Dartmouth Ends Hunger each arrived with boxes of freshly baked cookies and brownies. After a best of 9 game of rock-paper-scissors, the Coalition to End Poverty was consigned to a nearby bench. The group compensated for their location by blitzing out to campus, "Hunger is only a symptom of poverty, solve both and BUY OUR COOKIES!!!"

The Environmental Conservation Organization (ECO) was not deterred by the lack of tables. They set up on the floor in front of the stairs, effectively guilt tripping every student that walked by. Sunshine Flowers '10 explained that the location was acceptable because "all of our treats are wrapped in plastic anyway".

When the Dartmouth Society of Investment and Economics showed up for their "Free Market Bake Sale" to benefit the IMF, they began to undercut the competition, lowering the prices on their cookies from "whatever you think is fair" to "50 cents less than what you think is fair", a move that Tilford Sprague '11 classified as "simple economics". The society ended the day with a net loss of $21.50 which Sprague attributed to "adverse market conditions".

The Nathan Smith Society for Pre-Med Students, the sole organization selling Boloco burritos, blitzed out an FDA study that linked sugar consumption to "Diabetes, Mad Cow Disease and Leprosy" instead urging students to "Find a cure for these diseases by BUYING OUR BURRITOS".

Students Stand with Staff picketed the bake sales, calling them "anti-union" and encouraging students to buy $4.95 Odwallas from DDS instead.

Dartmouth Ends Hunger was not deterred by the competition. John Livermore '11 told the Dunyun, "Our blitz-out said '9 PM until we run out food' and we're taking that very seriously." Thirty minutes later, members of the group could be seen throwing food at passing students in an effort to "out-sell the competition" and "end hunger".

The conflict was eventually resolved when Students for a Non-Nuclear World, having earlier been relegated to the patio outside Novack, called in a bomb threat, forcing the evacuation of Baker-Berry Library and cashing in by selling cupcakes to students gathering outside under the banner "More Information about the Bomb Threat."

- Jayson Doubleday '13