Dartmouth Student Body Accidentally Establishes Chi Gam Nation

The campus is reeling in the few days since the Student Assembly election, as the implications of having two Chi Gams running the school begin to sink in. Though at first marijuana slowed the reaction time of most students, many are now calling for an investigation into what they consider a "conspiracy" to replace the KDE dynasty--which many felt couldn't be worse--with a Chi Gam dynasty, which is definitely worse.

Though the conspiracy theories thus far seem far-fetched, EPAC chair Jack Ruby confirms that there was some planning behind the scheduling of the election. "We made sure that the election happened the day before 4/20 on purpose. We hoped that the oblivion to the horror they had just been party to would last for at least another twenty-four hours, so that the reactions of shock and outrage wouldn't all hit at once." The tactic worked to an extent, as most students spent their day in a weed-induced haze alternating between ordering Gusanoz and EBA's. However, newly-elected Student Assembly VP Brandon Shmaiono '11 made the devastating mistake of appearing on the cover of the D on 4/20 with a shirt that read "Cheese Fries," drawing far too much attention to the article titled "Shmanner and Shmaiono Elected SA President and Vice President; CHI GAM NATION!!!1!!" Though it was initially the overpowering epidemic of munchies that brought the article so much attention across campus, the actual title soon began to sink in.

Mary Allen '11 was one of many who had her mellow harshed by the realization. "I was so high that, like, I didn't even get it at first. I just started screaming in this weird, monotonous voice for five minutes. Like in a nightmare. Chi Gam runs this school now. Chi Gam. I don't even think there's a single working toilet in that house." Allen reports that she only voted for Shmanner because, as a fellow staff photographer for the Dartmouth, she felt the need to show her solidarity. She also felt camaraderie with Shmaiono because he once held her hair back for her in the bushes outside AD. It was not until she was thoroughly blazed that it first occurred to her that she had handed the reins of power over to a house whose only stereotype for at least ten years running is "sketchy." Allen reports, "Now I feel like I know what the German citizens felt like after the Third Reich fell apart...like the blind, deaf ones who didn't know what was going on. Where have I been? What did I do? What did I just let happen?!"

Some preliminary reports show that the IFC may have seen this coming, leading its president, Brick Lemming '10, to endorse an unaffiliated '12 candidate Doug Rednex at the last second. Though Lemming declined to comment for this article, an anonymous source on the Rednex campaign confirms that the IFC had an early tip-off. "Yeah, the IFC definitely knew that both Shmanner and Shmaiono were members of Chi Gam. I'm not sure how they found out, but they realized they had to do something. They were between a rock and a hard place. It's like when your cousin gets to the Hollywood round on American Idol and you want to be happy for him but all you can think is how out-of-control his meth problem is going to get in L.A." The source also confirms that the IFC's illegal suppressed recipient blitz in support of Shmanner was an intentional move to avoid having to blitz out an endorsement of a vice presidential candidate later on. "They just couldn't bring themselves to support a fratigarchy whose main contribution to this campus has been sweaty dance parties with stripper poles and easy-to-steal beer. I can't really put it into words. It's just...it's Chi Gam."

The Dunyun feels equally as duped. Though we fully supported both candidates, it never occurred to us that being a good place to get on table during freshman fall does not a center of campus leadership make. Just kidding. It's actually the only requirement. Party on Gam.