Topside Hygiene Aisle Latest Arena for “Gender-Neutral” Debate

 "If you're going to have sex, use a condom." - Dennis Rodman

    The debate over gender-neutral social spaces has been raging for decades, causing world-shaking changes to campus, like some stuff that happened in Collis, and some other stuff that happened in Collis. The sides of the debate, up until recently, have been clearly defined. Proponents of change, mainly feminists who have been known to drop their politics to dress up for Kappa Kappa Gamma’s “Tight and Bright” themed meetings, argue that there are not enough gender-neutral social spaces on campus for those who would like an alternative to fraternities. The other side of the debate is composed mostly of sleeveless males who are reluctant to abandon their dominance of social spaces. For the first time, however, the sides of the debate have switched. Males on campus are arguing in favor of making the Topside hygiene aisle a gender-neutral space.
    Redford Patterson ’10, the leader of the grassroots social movement, said that the catalyst for his objection came from a recent attempt to buy some condoms.
    “It is clear to me that the Topside hygiene aisle is stocked by women, which is unfair to men,” Patterson said. “Just take a look at the variety of condoms available. Spermicidal this. Ribbed that. Twisted pleasure? I don’t even know what that is, but it’s definitely something that a woman would like. But where are the ultra-thin condoms? Nowhere in sight. Lubricated? Uh uh.”
    There have been objections raised to many of the other hygiene products available in the aisle. Several males have approached The Dunyun with concerns over the lack of unscented moisturizer available, which leads to entire rooms smelling like Cocoa Butter or Aloe. Others said they were “fiending” for AstroGlide, but were unable to find any.
    Alice Quentin ’10, founder of the Facebook group, “Save Fourth Base,” said that it is ridiculous for Topside to cater to the perverted tastes of campus males.
    “Are they serious? Are they really going to try to sell condoms that make sex less pleasurable for the woman or that increase the chance of pregnancy? No way. And that whole moisturizer/lube thing is just weird. Thank goodness women produce their own.”
    Patterson stressed that he was not advocating an end to female pleasure as we know it, but rather a greater variety of choices available to the students’ bodies.
    “It goes beyond sexual concerns,” Patterson said. “They never have enough Febreze. They refuse to carry the new scent of AXE: Lumberjack. And they have the tampons and shit out in plain sight. I don’t want to see that. Gross.”
    Quentin, who lived on Patterson’s freshman floor and “only, like, made out with him once,” said that men like him are “a disgrace to men in general.”
    When Patterson was asked about Quentin, he questioned why somebody who so clearly liked what guys like him had going on (wink) would object to a greater diversity of choices in Topside.
    The Dunyun has also received rumors that female condoms, which were permanently derecognized by the College in 2003 for unnecessary chafing, are set to return to the Topside hygiene aisle. Plans are already underway by the men of Dartmouth to stage a protest march, although it is unclear how many men will be able to fit in the aisle, which is the proposed starting point of the march.