President Kim’s Psychic Premonitions Show Mediocre Commencement Speaker Will Soon Cure Cancer

In the wake of the announcement on Monday that this year’s commencement speaker will be yet another run-of-the-mill Joe Blow who has never been on the cover of a cool magazine, run a country, or starred on a reality television show, the reactions among students in the class of 2010 have ranged from disappointment to complete outrage. In the past few days alone, at least three different Facebook groups have protested the move, including “HULK HOGAN FOR COMMENCEMENT SPEAKER,” “Who THE FUCK is Stephen Lewis?” and “Students Advocating the Firing of the Entire Dartmouth Staff and Bill Clinton and Conan O’Brien for Commencement Speakers.” However, President Jim Kim has revealed exclusively to the Dunyun that not only does he have the power to create the most adorable children alive and scale buildings with his bare hands, but he also has the power to see the future. This psychic ability allowed Kim to divine late Friday evening that Stephen Henry Lewis will cure cancer within the next five weeks. “Obviously, I had to get him while the gettin’ was good,” explains Kim. “He’s a clear shoe-in for TIME’s Man of the Year. You’re welcome.”

Stephen Henry Lewis, whose name is even boring, has so far amassed a lot of unimportant and meaningless credentials such as being the ambassador to the United Nations from a small, unremarkable nation in North America known as Canada, which may be familiar to our readers as the place where Canadian bacon was invented and part of the name of a type of ginger ale. He has also gained minimal recognition from his work to stop the spread of a little-known and uninteresting virus known as HIV/AIDS. However, Lewis will soon go down in history as the man who found a cure for cancer. Early reports from Kim’s vision show that he will find it in the last place he looks, which may either be under his bed or in the trunk of his car. Both Harvard and Yale will offer him honorary degrees and upwards of a million dollars to speak at their commencements, but as he is President Kim’s close personal friend, he will decline. The speech is expected to spur next year’s number of applicants to upwards of 35,000 students.

Kim was wary of announcing his psychic abilities to the press, as he has already driven Chuck Norris into a deep depression by repeatedly proving himself to be the pinnacle of masculinity and human achievement. Kim explains his change of heart, saying, “I’m just sick of all the naysayers and the haters, you know? Back off. I clearly know what I’m doing. It was also becoming really difficult to continue to come up with all these fake justifications for the choice, like that he is ‘one of the most famous people of Canada.’ That one was really just a joke, to be honest. It isn’t hard to be more famous than Avril Lavigne or Pamela Anderson pre-breast implants.” Kim reveals that his bouts of psychic visions come unexpectedly, causing him to stare blankly at the sky. “Have you ever seen ‘That’s So Raven’? It looks just like that. That show was actually meant to be a documentary about me, but I decided there were better ways to save the world, so they gave the job to that amateur from The Cosby Show.”

President Kim’s visions have also predicted the end of the world in 2012, that the conclusion of LOST will reveal the entire series took place inside of John Locke’s coma dreams, and that the Sun God will one day become a serial killer. As for the job prospects of the 2010 graduates, Kim says, “You don’t even want to know.”