Bichon Frise Accepted as Legacy Student, Leaves Critics Barking Mad

A controversial admissions decision has been leaked to the press by an insider in the Dartmouth admissions office; namely, that the college has decided to accept a seven-year-old Bichon Frise whose owners are wealthy alumni of the school. The Dunyun's source chose to remain unnamed, but claims "I feel as a representative of the college it is my duty to make sure that others are as outraged as I am. This is nepotism at its worst and a clear ploy to pander to our alums for large donations in these trying economic times." The source added, "Bitches ain't shit."

Rufferford B. Hayes III (show name: Whisperwind on a Carousel) was bred by Amelia Stuart-Lewis '82 and Daniel Robert Kensington-Worth '79 early in their marriage. Since puppyhood, she has merited several distinctions in the showdog world, coming in Best in Show at the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show in both 2007 and 2008. She also once dragged a small infant from a burning house with her teeth, earning her a guest spot on Oprah and national acclaim. She applied to Dartmouth with the help of world-renowned dog psychic Dale Kittredge, who helped "bring Ruffy's spirit to life on the page," says Kensington-Worth. He and Stuart-Lewis believe a diploma from Dartmouth is the obvious next step in her long list of impressive accomplishments. "If anyone can handle it, Rufferford can," says Stuart-Lewis. "Daniel and I always knew we never wanted children. They can be so messy and unreasonable. Plus, oh my god, the stretch marks! Never! Have you seen what a placenta looks like? Horrifying. I don't see why we shouldn't reap the benefits that any Dartmouth couple has just because we made the responsible decision to reduce our impact on the environment and not to let some little feces-covered gremlin put my teat in his creepy toothless mouth whenever he screams for it." Kensington-Worth agrees with this sentiment: "Plenty of our classmates have extremely dumb children who are attending our dear old alma mater as we speak, and they have nothing to show for themselves but a cocaine addiction and a 2.3 GPA. Ruffy will do great things there. She can already bark in three languages and I'm confident she would be the MVP of the Ultimate Frisbee team."

Rufferford will be the first dog ever to be admitted to the college, according to Frank Lemming '04, one of the higher-ups in the admissions office, "unless you count Robert Frost, who was shameless when it came to pussy-pursuing." Lemming touts the decision as a major step in the College's goals for increasing diversity in admissions, "statistically speaking." U.S. News and World Report's annual rankings of American colleges and universities is based on sheer numbers, so the admissions office has begun to focus its efforts on the appearance of diversity alone rather than any substantial melange of people with different life experience, cultural or class backgrounds. "Though I lament that someone has broken our oath of secrecy which is punishable by death, now that the secret is out, I will comment on it. We think Rufferford will be great for our school. She will bring energy and diversity in a way unique from all our other applicants. Her story is one that will enrich our campus, and her owners' money will quite literally enrich our campus. We're already looking at adding a Hayes wing to the library." Lemming praises his colleagues for "taking a risk in the name of progress. She will be the first of her kind. Previously overlooked demographics of species are now being given the opportunities that they never had before, and I'm proud to put Dartmouth's name on that goal, no matter what the critics may say."

For her part, Rufferford (as translated by Kittredge) says, "I just can't wait to get out of the house so they'll stop painting my nails. God, I could really use a cigarette right now."