Freshman Girl Sick of Being Corrected on Blitz

Hannah Olfred ’14 has had a good year so far. She’s done well with her classes, made lasting friendships, and feels good about her prospects for rush in the fall. Unfortunately, she has a problem. Olfred keeps getting corrected on blitz by the men she’s been involved with. 

“It started with this one senior, [name redacted],” Olfred said in an interview with The Dunyun. “He kept telling me to quote. To highlight. I didn’t know what that means. I still don’t know what that means. But can’t we have a conversation without him correcting me? It’s rude.”

Olfred has “flitzed” with three seniors, seven juniors, and eight sophomore men over the course of the year. Not a single one of them has managed to ignore her repeated blitz faux-pas. 

“She capitalizes the start of each sentence,” one of the sophomores said. “She’s so much less hot now.”

Olfred has noticed that men tend to lose interest in her once BlitzMail enters the equation, but she refuses to conform to the system. 

“Who the fuck do guys think they are, telling me that I need to put a question at the end of every blitz?” she asked. “What if I don’t have any questions? Jesus, this is exhausting.”

Another male interviewed by The Dunyun offered that Olfred is “simply fucking miserable at flitzing. Almost insurmountably horrible.”

A recent survey conducted by the Sociology Department has found that Freshman Flitzing is now the number one cockblock on campus, edging out the perennial supreme cockblock, Theta Delt. 

“Dude, emoticons,” another male said. “Lots of them. Complex ones, too. Dude.”