Football Team To Recruit Actual Moose

After a string of losing seasons has left the Dartmouth football team in shameful standing in the Ivy League, the administration has at last folded to pressure from the coaching staff to alter the team’s recruitment process for incoming college athletes. Although head coach Bucky Stevens had been campaigning for the introduction of athletic scholarships in order to entice players with football experience beyond flag football games at their family reunions, the administration repeatedly refused and has instead offered a compromise. For three years, the team has played under the banner of the “Dartmoose” mascot, and now it seems the team is making metaphor into reality and recruiting real moose for the team. Stevens was optimistic about the decision: “Y’know, I would rather just give real students an incentive to join the team. But moose are bigger and stronger than people, and they will literally s*** all over the other teams, so I think it could work out fantastically.”

The logistics of this decision have yet to be tested. Though the college policy is that all athletes must be in fairly good academic standing in order to play, the coaching staff has worked night and day to find classes the moose will be able to pass, including Theater I and several classes in the Geography and Native American Studies departments. As to where the moose will come from, Ned Andrews, the head of Dartmouth Athletics, explains, “We own one-sixth of New Hampshire. Look around! That includes moose. Okay, so maybe PETA will give us some trouble, sure. But I don’t see anything wrong with putting some moose on the football field and letting nature take its course. Those things are made to fight, and fight for all they’re worth. Not like these scrawny rich kids we’ve been recruiting. Do you know what rich people feed their children? Sushi and vegan nonsense. Nothing like what those D1 athletes are eating, and definitely not the badass stuff that moose eat.”

Coach Stevens was quick to clarify that some human students will still remain on the team, because they “need somebody to hike the ball. We’ll have a human quarterback too. But the defensive line? That’s antler territory, son! Yeehaw!” These human student athletes will still not receive athletic scholarships, but they will receive free training on how to defend themselves against moose attacks, in case any of the animals become aggressive towards the wrong players. Andrews explains, “This training is usually, like, 500 bucks at least. So in a way that’s a scholarship. You’re welcome.”

Fan attendance is expected to increase threefold with this new development, but it is unclear whether the newfound excitement is due to high hopes for the football team or just short-lived curiosity at the somewhat gimmicky move. Some students are very much in favor of the decision. Alex Porter ’12 said, “I’ve always loved supporting Dartmouth athletics, but this new move shows both a real push for victory and a very open-minded approach to admissions that I think this school needs. We’re breaking new ground here, allowing previously disenfranchised animals to attend college when before they were systematically denied.” Vernon Jones ’13 offered a different view: “My sister didn’t even get into Dartmouth, and they’re letting moose in? What am I gonna tell her, ‘Hey Elizabeth, it was just really competitive this year what with all the impressive moose applications’? Although I guess it’ll bring the curve up in my Women and Gender’s Studies classes,” while Lisa King ’11 offered, “Wait, our mascot is the Dartmoose? Why? Since when? What does that even mean?...Why?”