Alumni Threaten to Sue Because of Late Snowfall: “It’s About Tradition”

President Jim Kim announced today in a campus-wide blitz that Dartmouth will soon face yet another lawsuit from its Association of Alumni. Many in the administration are still reeling from the lawsuit brought against the College in 2007 in response to Dartmouth’s change to its Constitution which eliminated the longstanding tradition of allowing the AoA to elect fifty percent of the Board of Trustees. This time around, the Association of Alumni is again pursuing legal action in order to defend the college they hold dear, taking a stand against the egregiously late snowfall this year in the name of tradition.


Eleazar Wheelock XV ’57 is at the head of the charge. When reached for comment, Wheelock removed his breathing tube and said, “It’s about tradition! Forever and always. When I was a boy at dear old Dartmouth, a young whippersnapping college man, I had to walk barefoot through eight feet of snow during sophomore summer! The college is throwing away tradition left and right! First they did away with hazing, then they had to distract us with all those bosoms—I mean, women—in our classrooms, and this year the freshman snowball fight was a joke. It didn’t even snow until December! What’s this world coming to?” When pressed on certain issues—namely, that sophomore summer and coeducation both did not exist during his time, Wheelock let his head droop down and began snoring loudly.

Edgar Sanders ’78, the attorney behind the lawsuit, echoed Wheelock’s sentiment. “Look, we know the world is changing. But that doesn’t mean Dartmouth has to. The fact that the new administration is pandering to the liberal media by trying to blame so-called ‘global warming’ is proof in itself that tradition means nothing to them. When I think Dartmouth, I think snow. What do I have left for them to take from me? Will they take my memories next? Will they take my memories?” Sanders let a single tear roll down his cheek before continuing, “I won’t stop until justice is served. Or until I get that settlement check! Boo-yah.”

So far, little is known about exactly what legal grounds the charges against the College rest on. The complaint has still not been made public, and Sanders would only say that he was legally obligated not to reveal its contents. Many insiders in the Association of Alumni, however, have indicated that the Alma Mater’s declaration that “They have the still North in their hearts/the hill winds in their veins” constitutes a verbal contract on the part of Dartmouth’s administration to guarantee persistent, bitter cold weather during every student’s undergraduate experience. When asked to comment further, President Kim would only say, “Seriously? I freezed my a** off going to every f***ing football game, and this is what I get in return? And that team sucks. For real. I mean, damn.”