Dartmouth Dining Services Unveils "Super Green Plan"

THIS IS NOT A JOKE. This was e-mailed to all parents by DDS. Bracketed commentary has been added by this author.

December 17, 2009

Dartmouth Dining Services (DDS) is pleased to announce that we have created a new, heavily discounted dining plan to add to the array of dining plans from which your son or daughter may choose [the previous choices included “More money than I want to spend at DDS” and “Even more money than I want to spend at DDS”].

Beginning this winter term, DDS will offer a new, “Super Green Plan” for a price of $1,920 [It’s only $18 away from being $1902. That would have been cool. Throw us a bone, DDS]. For this price, Super Green purchasers will get a total of $2,270 of Dining DBA - a $350 bonus [that’s the same as dues!] – plus a 10% discount on all dining purchases made at any DDS dining facility [this discount will lower the mark-up on DDS food from 190% to 171%].  Including the bonus DBA and the 10% all purchases discount, the Super Green Plan will provide up to $2,522 for food purchases – a 31% boost of buying-power [with an anticipated 45% increase of time spent on the toilet, meaning 45% more time that you can spend thinking about if anybody can recognize you by your shoes and therefore connect that horrible stench back to you].

Unlike Dartmouth’s other dining plans, the Super Green Plan does not allow rollover of unused dollars from term to term [this makes tons of sense, seeing as how you’re very likely to use up all your DBA… sarcasm], and Super Green Plan DBA may not be used for Topside purchases [which actually does make some sense, because there’s no way you could ever be hungry for anything else after eating $2,522 worth of food in one term].  Under the Super Green plan, all Dining DBA must be spent during the “academic term” for which the plan was purchased, and any DBA amounts remaining in Super Green accounts at 4:00 pm on the last day of exams will be forfeited – no unused DBA will be rolled over to the succeeding term. This “no-roll-over” rule will apply to all DBA dollars in the plan holder’s account at the end of term, even if some of those dollars were “rolled-into” the Super Green Plan from a previous term. For details see the DDS website [be sure to check out our “DDS Memories” slideshow when you’re there!].

The Super Green Plan offers advantages to any student who expects to spend more than $1,920 per term for dining purchases – excluding their Topside purchases [this includes students who choose to substitute water with Odwalla, those who eat only Pavilion steak meals, and “that guy in TDX who ate two breakfast bombs in one sitting”].  As a result, students considering a change to a Super Green Plan need to think carefully about their past dining spending and their expected future needs.   To allow adequate time to consider this new plan, DDS will accept requests to enroll in the Super Green Plan until 4:00 pm on January 19, 2010– a full week later than the deadline for changes to other dining plans [this is a carefully considered move, as anybody who’s enough of a fatass to need the Super Green Plan is definitely not motivated enough to do anything on time].

Because the Super Green Plan represents a major change in established DDS policy, and because we want to make sure that all students who participate fully understand how it works, DDS will only accept requests for enrollment made in person [whoa, dude. Bummer].  Accordingly, anyone wishing to change to a Super Green Plan for winter term, must come to the Dartmouth Card Office, located on the second floor of Thayer Dining Hall (8:00 am – 4:30 pm, Monday – Friday) in order to do so [yes, lard-ass, that means you have to climb stairs].

Dartmouth Dining Services [and James Engle ‘11]