Because Frannie Mays is too lazy to post her own articles and this is too good.
Winter Carnival is a confusing time. Some people win, and most people lose, and nobody succeeds on their Monday midterms (sup English 42?). To return an item, blitz the name at the end of the listing, or if you get social anxiety about confronting the victims of your theft, blitz back and we'll send an anonymized message. No, that isn’t a word, but you’re a thief, so fuck you too. To list an item you’ve lost, or to announce to campus that you drunkenly stole something from Tri Kap (and more importantly, that you were at Tri Kap after freshman fall), please blitz us in the format below. This account does not keep any items, except for dignity and virgins (they keep our skin looking young).
ITEM W/DESCRIPTION [INC. COLOR & SIZE] @ LOCATION (DATE) BLITZ
MISSING:
The Sun God @ everywhere you don’t want to see him, aka everywhere (11W) blitz ialsomisskingofqueens
consciousness @ south mass (2/10) blitz fuckicicles
Acting Dean of the College @ don’t care (2/7) blitz jyk
Swim Trunks @ Polar bear swim (2/12) blitz itshrinksok
Potential hookup @ Polar bear swim (2/12) blitz itshrinksok
Thousands of dollars @ social dues account (2/7-2/13) blitz notonprobo
a pair of dentures @ phi delt basement (2/11) blitz ohgodhewasa52
freshman naivete @ the winter whingding (2/12) blitz butacapellaiscoolatyale
a pacifier @ panarchy rave (2/11) blitz wheresmybaby
a baby @ panarchy rave (2/11) blitz johannaevans
last vestige of hard guy status @ convention @ chi gam (2/12) blitz sig ep
sense of propriety @ everywhere (who knows) blitz returningalum
high school girlfriend @ state school (2/14) blitz lonelyonvday
freshman year @ AD (2/12) blitz 20poundsheavier20timesmoresober
feeling in my ass @ the snow sculpture (2/11) blitz dartmouthsevered
2 blackberries and 3 iPhones @ snowbanks??? (the month of February) blitz whitegirlproblems
FOUND:
65 new enemies @ blitzmail (2/11-2/13) blitz buyafracketdumbfucks
the ability to type 150 words per minute @ FFB (2/13) blitz toodrunktograduate
a frozen Nalgene of Reds from 10F @ the Green (2/10) blitz thisactuallyhappened
Renewed relevance @ psi u (2/13) blitz stillhaveacrawlspaceforabasement
Tap lists @ B@B (2/10) blitz bitter12
An entire tractor @ underneath the snow (2/12) blitz terrifiedsoutherner
Religion @ 3rd floor of AD (2/12) blitz O
Future divorce @ School Street (1/21) blitz sungod’sgirlfriend
Approximately 4000 emoticons @ blitzmail (always) blitz valentinesdayisnotanexcusefor<3signs
Myself @ club electra (2/12) blitz blackingin
A last-minute valentine (2/14) blitz animalscount
A suspicious bump @ down there (2/13) blitz panarchygroupie
The Worst @ blitzmail (2/13) blitz youcantwinthepolarbearswim
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