Green Team to Team up with EBAs to Combat Dangerous Intoxication Levels

Green Team, Dartmouth’s new bystander intervention program, trained its first group today. The organization, conceived and run by students, aims to equip unmarked bystanders with the tools necessary to help lower the frequency and severity of hospitalizations. Immediately after the training, however, Green Team leaders realized that they didn’t need the help of any Dartmouth students to achieve this goal. They just needed EBAs.

“So here’s the deal,” Miley Smiley ’11 said in an interview with The Dunyun. “We were going to pay four Green Team members $40 each per night to act as bystanders at parties. Decent idea, right? But then we thought about what would happen if we just put that money towards EBAs.”

Critical reception to this new initiative has been unanimous in its praise.

“I’m just thinking about times when I’ve been really hammered,” said one fraternity member who wished to remain anonymous. “The times when I really get in trouble are when I don’t get something to eat. I know that I’m not going to be able to get shit-housed if I have EBAs sloshing around in my belly, making me so nauseous that I couldn’t dream of drinking another drop. Ugh. I feel terrible just thinking about it.”

Instead of paying Green Team monitors, Green Team money will now go towards the nastiest but also most drunk-appealing food that EBAs offers. Extra ranch dressing and honey mustard will be added to each order at no extra charge.

“This decision was easy,” said Rob Zombie. “First of all, it’s extra business. Second of all, if anybody doesn’t pick up their phone because they’re passed out, they gave us this nifty ‘Good Sam’ number we can call, and Safety and Security will come wake the kid up, force him to pay us, and then force him to eat the food. I’m literally never going to be left standing out in the cold with a Southern Style Chicken Tender Basket again because some dumbass kid was too drunk to stay awake. Sweet, sweet justice.”

Representatives from SEIU said that Students Stand with Staff would be appealing this decision, based on how shitty (pun intended) it would make the life of every custodian on campus.